好色先生TV

Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner in Newt UK, the recently rebranded subsidiary of US construction giant Gator Corp. While Quentin has been coming to terms with his new masters鈥� work culture, they have been deciding what to do with their new outpost in Austerity Britain. This has involved a summer of intense strategising and extreme levels of thinking outside the box 鈥�

I know how those Chilean miners must have felt. I鈥檝e been in so many meetings over the past few weeks that daylight seems a distant memory. And, being owned by Americans, we haven鈥檛 even got the option of belting out the national anthem to boost morale.

Things have become more frantic in recent days. This is partly because biscuits are being more strictly rationed, but mainly because our deadliest rival, the Hemel Hempstead-based practice Biddingtons, have unveiled a five-year plan that may change the world of quantity surveying in Hertfordshire as we know it. They鈥檝e launched a management consultancy division.

鈥淚t鈥檚 genius,鈥� muttered John Jr, as he cracked open his fourth flipchart of the afternoon. 鈥淐an we get some more coffee in here? We鈥檙e going to be a while figuring out a response to this.鈥�

Under the table, I began to text my wife Alison to check she was recording Top Gear.

Around the table, the senior partners were channelling their many years of experience into avoiding eye contact with John Jr. Unfortunately, it was me who blinked first.

鈥淨uentin, thoughts?鈥�

鈥淢aybe we could, you know, get into management consultancy, too?鈥�

鈥淪mart. I like it. Like a pre-emptive strike, only slightly afterwards. Go on 鈥︹��

This presented a problem: I鈥檝e never been entirely sure what management consultancy is. My only hope was that nobody else knew either.

鈥淭he thing about management consultancy is it鈥檚 about getting in early,鈥� I ventured. 鈥淲e鈥檙e sitting here waiting for people to plan new buildings. We need to be advising them before they even know what a building is! To put it in language everyone can understand, it鈥檚 about facilitating asset optimisation.鈥�

I paused, wondering if I had gone too far, but John Jr looked delighted. 鈥淏rilliant, Quentin! So, if Biddingtons are getting in early, we need to be there before them!鈥�

Matt Keen, the office high-flyer, nodded enthusiastically. 鈥淓xactly, JJ. Asset premonition - it鈥檚 a growth market.鈥�

John Jr beamed as he unfurled a new flipchart. 鈥淪o it鈥檚 simple, gentlemen. We need to get in earlier than early. Let鈥檚 strategise!鈥�

There was a pause, which swiftly turned into a deathly hush. Under my breath - and I didn鈥檛 even realise that I knew the tune - I began to hum the Chilean national anthem.

Finally, as I approached the 17th verse, someone spoke. Alan Quimby, the oldest of the partners, clearly feeling he had less to live for than the rest of us, decided to take a hit for the team. 鈥淭he part I鈥檓 struggling with, John, is that I鈥檓 not quite sure, I mean, this asset premonition, in a real sense 鈥� is actually a thing.鈥�

John Jr looked at him coolly, like a lion contemplating a stricken wildebeest. 鈥淲hat are you trying to say, Quimby?鈥�

It was hideous to watch. Someone had to do something. Without thinking, I blurted out: 鈥淢aybe Alan鈥檚 got a point - what if we forget about earlier? Earlier鈥檚 been done!鈥�

鈥淪o what do you suggest?鈥� John Jr enquired. Suddenly I was the wildebeest.

鈥淓rm 鈥� later?鈥�

John Jr looked at me blankly. Time stopped. No amount of nationalistic humming could save me now. But then his eyes wrinkled into a smile. 鈥淚 like it. Nobody鈥檚 building anything, right? So buildings are getting older, crummier, dirtier. And dirtier means rats, cockroaches 鈥︹��

鈥淨uent,鈥� Alan hissed in my ear. 鈥淲hat鈥檚 he saying? Is he talking about facilities management?鈥�

鈥淣o, Alan, I think it鈥檚 worse than that.鈥�

John Jr was warming to his theme
鈥溾�� Cockroaches will still be with us after the apocalypse - now that鈥檚 a stable market!鈥�

It seemed we were moving into pest control.

As told to Nick Jones