好色先生TV

Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner in Newt UK, the recently rebranded Hertfordshire-based quantity surveying subsidiary of US construction giant Gator Corp. The company has watched its rivals鈥� diversification strategies - into fields such as management consultancy - with interest. However, it has decided to explore a different route entirely and has launched a pest control consultancy arm called Killer Newt.

But I just can鈥檛 help feeling that our own plans have skipped a few fundamental steps in the evolutionary process. To move with such alacrity from quantity surveying to pest control is a bit like waking up one morning to find you鈥檝e got three eyes and a USB port in the back of your head.

The logic behind our diversification strategy was that, as nobody is building anything at the moment, and as existing buildings are only going to get older and filthier, extermination might prove to be a growth market. What鈥檚 more, this would serve as a natural counterbalance to the workflow in our education division, which is currently as quiet as a liberal club in Washington.

I鈥檇 avoided getting involved in the running of killer newt, but like a cornered rat, I could run no longer

Until now, I have avoided getting too involved with the day-to-day running of Killer Newt, but like a cornered rat I could only run for so long. Which is how Alan Quimby and I found ourselves spending the week at the Infestationarium, Hertfordshire鈥檚 first hands-on training facility for pest control students and new professionals.

I can鈥檛 deny that Infestationarium is an impressive facility - arguably one of the nicest spots in Hertfordshire, if you ignore the rats, cockroaches and the 鈥淎nthrax Quarter鈥� (a kind of post-recession take on the urban renaissance). All the buildings have been designed and constructed as exact replicas of modern homes, shops and offices.

But the training regime is severe: it鈥檚 the point at which Watership Down meets Full Metal Jacket. 鈥淭his is a straight fight between good and evil,鈥� explained chief exterminator Brian Grubb on our first morning, as he handed us a piece of cheese and a cricket bat. 鈥淭hese, gentlemen, are the tools of your trade. Now, are you ready to get your hands dirty?鈥�

I looked at Alan. When it comes to physical combat, most quantity surveyors - to paraphrase Muhammad Ali - float like Ann Widdecombe and sting like a Bruce Forsyth one-liner. Alan Quimby was no exception. He looked ready neither to wrestle some of the Home Counties鈥� finest vermin to the ground nor to diversify from his core skills.

Brian continued: 鈥淢en, your target is the modern office block on the north-west corner of the site. Inside, we have released 10 rodents. Your objective is to take them out - with extreme prejudice.鈥�

We approached the building cautiously, and peered in. We both noted the extensive use of metallic glazed panelling inside.

鈥淚t鈥檚 a little over-specified, don鈥檛 you think?鈥� sniffed Alan. 鈥淭hey might have taken into consideration that the occupants, being rats, would have little appreciation of high-quality materials. Such a waste 鈥︹��

We entered the building and looked around, immediately observing how the complex layout of angular single and double-height spaces was, frankly, an inefficient use of space. Alan put his bat down in despair. 鈥淕ood grief, this place is like a Jean Nouvel shopping centre! If you sent Prince Charles in here with a cricket bat, he wouldn鈥檛 waste his effort on the rats 鈥︹��
He had a point. In front of me, narrowing into a peak, was a 20ft-tall piece of cast-iron office-foyer sculpture, with the word 鈥淎spire鈥� engraved on one side. At the summit, a ball of fur was looking down at me. And smiling.

鈥淎lan, we鈥檙e wasting our time here,鈥� I said, tucking my bat under my arm. 鈥淭he world has never needed quantity surveyors more 鈥︹��

As told to Nick Jones