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Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner in Newt UK, he recently rebranded subsidiary of US construction giant Gator Corp. While Quentin has been coming to terms with his new masters鈥� work culture, they have been deciding what to do with their new outpost in Austerity Britain. After a summer of intense strategising, little has been decided - except for the fact that nobody
knows what management consultancy is, and there may be a sustainable future in pest control. Now read on 鈥�

It has been a difficult fortnight for Newt鈥檚 education division. First came the news that it was going to be merged with our new pest control consultancy arm, Killer Newt (on the grounds that building new schools is now a less viable business stream than preventing existing ones from turning into plague pits). Then we found out that our one surviving project, academy@grimston, was being rebranded, as it sounded 鈥渁 bit too inspiring, a bit 2007鈥�. The project now has the working title 鈥淕rimston Child Depot鈥�. And finally, to top it all, we got a phone call from the Department of Education saying 鈥渋t would really help out鈥� if we could trim 40% from the project鈥檚 construction costs - 鈥淥h, and remember, we鈥檙e all in this together.鈥�

Click, brrr.

This unfortunate state of affairs has at least given me plenty of work to do - and got me out of an intensive two-week training course at Infestationarium, Hertfordshire鈥檚 first contamination-simulation village. Instead, I spent much of the past two weeks reading the seminal work 鈥淐utting in the Free World: Pushing Back the Boundaries of Value Engineering鈥� by the American neoliberal school designer L Milton Leghorn, now published in the UK by libertarian thinktank Flatulus. The book posits the theory that costly and elaborately constructed learning environments actually foster a sense of complacency in the ablest students, and that the best schools motivate their charges by providing desks for only one pupil in three.

With Leghorn as my guide, I looked again at the Grimston plans, and got out a red pen. Every cost had to be justified; nothing was sacred. I began with the structure. Walls? Well, they鈥檙e fairly essential, but internally? If the school were reconfigured for more, say, flexible learning with fewer, larger teaching spaces, I worked out it could cut 3,000m2 in blockwork. I made a quick calculation - that would save 拢150,000! Suddenly I knew how George Osborne must have felt when he first got his hands on the communities department payroll.

Feverishly, I continued to cut. This was so much easier without any architects to get in the way. Internal glazing was another quick win - who needs light-filled classrooms anyway? A simple strip of high windows around the outer wall would also save on glass and reduce the need for mechanical cooling. Interactive whiteboards could be replaced with an earlier, simpler specification. Desks could be salvaged from old schools - it would be the sustainable thing to do. Carpet tiling - what were we thinking? Another 拢15,000 saved!

I worked continuously. Days merged into nights. Finally, my work was done 鈥� with the school entirely remodelled, I had reached the magical 40%. Exhausted, I slumped forwards in my chair, rested my head on Leghorn鈥檚 weighty tome and slept the sleep of the fiscally responsible.

I awoke to find my colleague Alan Quimby peering over my shoulder at the cost breakdown I had spent three frenzied days preparing. 鈥淓xtraordinary,鈥� he was muttering. 鈥淔ascinating 鈥� Quentin, where did you find this?鈥�
鈥淲hat do you mean?鈥�
鈥淲ell, the single hall-like classroom,the rows and rows of wooden desks, a single blackboard, high, narrow windows - ah, and no heating, I see. It鈥檚 a perfect recreation of a Victorian school! Is it for a film?鈥� I looked again at my masterpiece. 鈥淢y God Alan, you鈥檙e right.鈥� I had even added bars to the windows to save on the security system. But this was beyond even the most diabolical imaginings of Hollywood. 鈥淎lan,鈥� I croaked, aghast and at the same time ecstatic, 鈥淚 think I鈥檝e made Michael Gove鈥檚 dream come true 鈥︹��

As told to Nick Jones