好色先生TV

Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner in a small Hertfordshire-based quantity surveyor, which last month was subsumed into The Gator Corporation, a Milwaukee-based construction multinational. The past few weeks have involved an intensive 鈥渙nboarding鈥� process, during which Quentin has been coming to terms with his new masters鈥� caffeine and brunch-fuelled work ethic.

With the consent of his anger management therapist, Quentin has agreed to share relevant excerpts from his 鈥渇rustration diary鈥� with 好色先生TV.

The trouble with empires is that they never just leave you alone to get on with things. From Julius Caesar to Clive of India, they come in and, before you know it, they want to review projects, reappraise budgets and bring in their own people. Where Gator are concerned, this appears to have evolved into a search for what they are mysteriously but ominously calling 鈥渟ynergies鈥�.

This quest has led to a great deal of uncertainty among the staff at Fearful & Bald - and where uncertainty leads, feverish speculation follows. The fear is that the company name, which is synonymous with sound cost management in the Bishop鈥檚 Stortford area, and has been unchanged since 1934, when Neville Bald signed over half his business to Reginald Fearful in return for Hertfordshire鈥檚 first towable caravan, might not have the requisite 鈥渟ynergy鈥� to survive the takeover.

We all knew this issue was going to come to a head sooner rather than later. Usually, a rebranding process takes months to thrash out - there are focus groups to be consulted, PR strategies to be imagineered, interdepartmental conferences to attend - but it was common knowledge that the stationer鈥檚 on Potter Street was doing a half-price deal on business cards, and Gator would have been mad to miss out. If there was any chance of stopping F&B from becoming Gator UK we needed to act fast.

I decided to broach the matter with John Jr, the head of Gator鈥檚 Europe, Africa, Asia and South America division. As I left my office to search for him, he fell into stride beside me. Apparently, it鈥檚 a technique they learn in business school. 鈥淨uentin, you look anxious. Are you getting enough coffee?鈥� he asked, offering me one of the two steaming mugs he was carrying.

鈥淵es, I鈥檓 fairly sure I am,鈥� I replied, wearily accepting the mug anyway. 鈥淚 wanted to talk to you about this name change though. Is it a fait accompli?鈥�

鈥淗ey Quentin! Why the language? I thought we were all friends here!鈥�

I ploughed on. 鈥淭he thing is, some of us are worried that 鈥橤ator UK鈥� won鈥檛 resonate with our clients.鈥�

鈥淛eez, is that what you鈥檙e worked up about?

We鈥檝e already decided that the Gator brand isn鈥檛 quite appropriate for you guys. If Gator stands for anything, it stands for two things: bigness - I mean, we鈥檙e really huge - and heroism. We鈥檝e got people building operating theatres in sub-Saharan warzones, looking for alternative energy sources in space - and who do you think is tying that knot in your BP pipeline? I mean, what you鈥檙e doing here with your quantity surveying is real nice, but it鈥檚 a little more 鈥� niche.鈥�

鈥淪o we鈥檙e staying as F&B?鈥�

鈥淲ell, not exactly 鈥� Hell, I suppose I can tell you now. The marketing team have been brunching since Tuesday trying to come up with an identity that says 鈥橤ator鈥�, but in a more 鈥� British way. It鈥檚 been a hell of a rush I鈥檓 afraid - there鈥檚 this place on Potter Street that鈥檚 got an amazing deal on business cards. Here, have a look 鈥︹��

He took a freshly printed card out of his pocket. Next to a logo made up of what appeared to be a very small alligator was one word. That word was 鈥渘ewt鈥�.

鈥淚t鈥檚 got synergy, Quentin,鈥� John Jr said, stopping to take a swig of coffee. 鈥淛ust not too much.鈥�

As seen by Nick Jones