好色先生TV

Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner at a small Hertfordshire-based quantity surveyor. Following several run-ins with the local architectural community, he has been encouraged by his therapist to write a 鈥渇rustration diary鈥�, excerpts from which he has kindly agreed to share with 好色先生TV.

Last week, Quentin鈥檚 boss Simon Fearful was elected as Conservative MP for Bishop鈥檚 Stortford East 鈥� a result that David Dimbleby described as 鈥渜uite interesting I suppose 鈥� now please can I go to bed?鈥�

Following Simon鈥檚 elevation to parliament last week, something of a power vacuum has emerged at the office. The two men jostling for control are Matt Keen (young, popular, clearly going places) and Alan Quimby (older, kind of forgettable, but also my squash partner and occasional babysitter). As the longest standing partner, but not really a natural leader myself, I have emerged as the power broker.

This may seem an unusual approach to deciding who takes charge at a small quantity surveying firm, but F&B has always prided itself on its unique constitution. When Simon鈥檚 grandfather Reginald founded the practice in 1934, civilisation was on the brink of a precipice. Whether you were a fledgling Eastern European democracy or a small start-up in east Hertfordshire, what was needed was solid government. As a result, Reginald devised a management structure that he felt combined the most progressive elements of communist Russia, fascist Italy and the John Lewis Partnership. In other words, all staff members get a bit of a say in the way things work, but any strong dissenters tend to be replaced by an empty chair within a few months.

As the views of the staff on managerial appointments are communicated through the longest serving partner, it turns out that I 鈥� having been generally ignored or dismissed as a historical anomaly for years 鈥� am suddenly cast in a role of influence. As convention dictates, I speak first to the candidate with the office closest to my own. This is Matt.

鈥淨uentin,鈥� he tells me after I lay out some of the staff鈥檚 dealbreakers, 鈥淚 really feel we can work together on this 鈥� this is a great chance to bring us into the 21st century. We need to embrace the infrastructure market 鈥� roads, rail, that kind of thing. If Simon can get himself a seat on the transport select committee, I think there鈥檚 a good chance to get High Speed 2 re-routed through Bishop鈥檚 Stortford. The business case for linking to Norfolk rather than Birmingham and Manchester is quite compelling.鈥�

It鈥檚 an impressive opening gambit, but in the interests of democracy I feel I should have a discreet chat with Alan, too. His approach is less visionary, but stronger on the nitty-gritty. 鈥淐ards on the table, Quentin, I鈥檓 thinking small picture,鈥� he begins. 鈥淭hat 拢10 cap on stationery purchases? It鈥檚 an abomination! And I think we should have fresh croissants in all morning meetings.鈥�

The chat turns into serious negotiations and these go on long into the evening. As I drive home I have plenty to ponder. Matt arguably has the better claim on power, but Alan鈥檚 more liberal views on stationery could be a game-changer. The croissants too, I feel, are a big, comprehensive and open offer.

But as is so often the way in politics, events conspire to overtake us. I am surprised to see Simon ushering all the partners into a meeting room. 鈥淕uys,鈥� he says, 鈥渟orry to grab you all so early, but I鈥檝e got something important to announce.鈥�

The use of the word 鈥済uys鈥� should have told me that something terrible was about to happen. Inside the room are three men I鈥檝e never seen before. 鈥淟et me introduce Randy, Fred Jnr and T-Bone,鈥� says Simon. 鈥淭hey鈥檙e Americans. And as they say in some American business circles, they鈥檝e made me an offer I couldn鈥檛 refuse 鈥︹��