好色先生TV

Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner in Newt UK, the recently rebranded Hertfordshire-based quantity surveying subsidiary of US construction giant Gator Corp. While Quentin has been coming to terms with his new masters鈥� work culture, they have been deciding quite what to do with their new outpost in Austerity Britain. As the practice鈥檚 schools expert and a much-put-upon father of two, Quentin has spent much of the past week explaining the intricacies of the British education system - such as why public schools are private - to his American boss, John Gatz Jr 鈥�

I can鈥檛 help feeling that the government鈥檚 free schools policy sounds a lot less appealing than the extremely expensive schools policy that preceded it. And while councils know where to go to get their costs managed by skilled professionals, this isn鈥檛 necessarily true of groups of parents turned educational reformers.

鈥淲e鈥檝e got to get someone on the inside, Quentin,鈥� said John Jr, after he鈥檇 called me into his office to discuss matters. 鈥淭here鈥檚 a group going round, known locally as the Continuity PTA. They鈥檙e already looking at sites in the town centre, trying to work out how many kids you can fit in an abandoned Zavvi. Dr Parsloe, the head of RE at St Aloysius, is ready to join them, and they say Marjorie the lollipop lady is open to offers. Apparently she鈥檚 bitter as hell she鈥檚 never been given an OBE and is ready to move to the highest bidder. But, hey, that鈥檚 the open market.鈥�

I looked at him, alarmed. There was something about the phrase 鈥渟omeone on the inside鈥� that concerned me.

鈥淨uentin,鈥� he said, leaning forward, 鈥淚 want you to infiltrate these people. Find out what their game is. This could be big for us. You fit their profile - you have that hunted, oppressed look that marks out men with young children. Plus, I remember you saying you turned your garage into a utility room last year. That kind of experience could prove invaluable in today鈥檚 education market.鈥�

So it was that two days later I found myself being ushered into the opulent drawing room of Greg Sewett, a City lawyer, father of Cosimo, Tabitha, Tyger and Aphrodite, and leader of the group Parents United in Serving Hertfordshire鈥檚 Youth. 鈥淕reat to see you Quentin,鈥� he greeted me warmly. 鈥淭he more people we get on board, the more great things we can do here. You see,鈥� he added darkly, 鈥�parents are the future.鈥�

Parents were also, it seemed to me, the furniture. The drawing room was teeming with them, on every chair, divan and ottoman, a mass of anxious humanity united in fear of the local state schools and the prohibitive cost of educating a brood of four privately.

鈥淵ou can鈥檛 afford to mess around when it comes to your own kids,鈥� said Graham, a management consultant who was squeezed next to me on an antique chaise longue. 鈥淏ut I鈥檝e already forked out for a new Ford Galaxy - and there is a recession on.鈥�

The meeting surged forwards on a wave of shared enthusiasm, which was entirely unfettered by anything as obstructive as a shared approach to education. Greg was very keen on a free school he鈥檇 read about in Sweden and its 鈥渢raditional pedagogy鈥�, which apparently means they use blackboards. 鈥淲e need to get back to basics. Let鈥檚 get Latin back into the state system.鈥�

鈥淵es, what I like about Sweden,鈥� said Lucy, a stay-at-home mother of three turned charity entrepreneur, 鈥渋s the way they let the children decide the curriculum. If the teachers aren鈥檛 working out, I鈥檝e heard the kids have the constitutional right to sack them.鈥�

鈥淵es, absolutely,鈥� agreed Greg. 鈥淏ut let鈥檚 not forget about discipline. A firm hand is what鈥檚 missing from our current system.鈥�

鈥淵es, exactly,鈥� said someone else. 鈥淎nd we must offer opportunities for all! Equality of excellence!鈥�

鈥淎bsolutely, yes,鈥� said Greg. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 why it鈥檚 so important we do Latin. Everyone deserves the chance to study Latin.鈥�

鈥淓xactly,鈥� said Lucy. 鈥淚 know we鈥檙e all eager to help develop the syllabus. But surely the first thing we need is a building - and some consultants who can offer their services absolutely free of charge.鈥�

鈥淎bsolutely, yes,鈥� I heard a voice say. Disconcertingly, I realised it was mine. I鈥檓 not sure that鈥檚 what John Jr had in mind, but it just seemed like the thing to do.

As told to Nick Jones