好色先生TV

Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner in Newt UK, the recently rebranded Hertfordshire-based quantity surveying subsidiary of US construction giant Gator Corp

The past few weeks have involved an intensive 鈥渢ransitioneering鈥� process, during which Quentin has been coming to terms with his new masters鈥� caffeine and brunch-fuelled work ethic, and their sudden interest in 鈥渟occer鈥�.

With the consent of his anger management therapist, Quentin has agreed to share excerpts from his 鈥渇rustration diary鈥� with 好色先生TV.

It鈥檚 been a difficult couple of weeks to be an Englishman in an office suddenly full of Americans. First there was President Obama鈥檚 desire to find the appropriate British 鈥渁ss鈥� to kick over the BP oil slick, which has led many of us to remain fully clenched during office hours, just in case. This, of course, was followed by the ignominy of that 1-1 draw - the first step on England鈥檚 road to footballing glory.

Having said that, personally I鈥檓 quite enjoying the World Cup. As soon as I hear someone approaching my office while I鈥檓 trying to get some work done, I just give a blast on the vuvuzela I picked up at the local garage and they tend to go away. The South Africans truly have given a gift to the world.

But that draw is clearly preying on the minds of some of the English fraternity at Newt, as we must now refer to ourselves. Many great traditions of English quantity surveying have been sacrificed to the gods of synergy in recent weeks, but this was the last straw. Football is one of the cornerstones of our culture, and the Americans should have just accepted that they鈥檙e not as good as us.

Thus it was that some of my English colleagues sought to mend their wounded pride by organising an England vs USA cricket match. 鈥淚t will be brilliant, Quentin,鈥� said Matt Keen, whose hopes of promotion have been set back by the takeover, and who has taken to brandishing a cricket bat in the office with clear malevolent intent. 鈥淭onight鈥檚 game will be a real morale booster. We鈥檒l murder them 鈥︹��

鈥淭hey murdered us,鈥� Matt muttered as he skulked into the office the following morning. 鈥淭hey all just squared up like baseball players and hit the ball for miles. Even though they thought they didn鈥檛 have to hit it if it bounced, they scored 450.鈥�

I tried to console him (my vuvuzela therapy is having a definite calming effect on me). 鈥淧erhaps we should put the football behind us and move on. After all, we can鈥檛 do any worse against Algeria.鈥�

鈥淣o Quentin, we need to demonstrate English cultural superiority,鈥� Matt spluttered. 鈥淕raham Wimbish from accounts is one of Hertfordshire鈥檚 leading morris dancers, and he鈥檚 going to challenge the whole transitioneering unit to a dance-off. On Friday, Alan Quimby is taking on all-comers at tiddlywinks.鈥� His voice dropped to a whisper. 鈥淎nd rumour has it that Seymour, the caretaker, keeps a traditional English fighting badger in the basement.

鈥淏ut it鈥檚 not all about sport. Tonight, we鈥檙e having a film night - one of their overhyped Hollywood blockbusters vs the charm of the British independent. It will be our finest hour 鈥︹��

鈥淚t was our darkest hour.鈥� Matt looked a broken man as he shuffled across the car park the next morning. 鈥淭hey showed Brokeback Mountain. It was just so 鈥� beautiful. We showed Sex Lives of the Potato Men. It鈥檚 over, Quentin. It鈥檚 over.鈥�

But as I helped him towards the office, his mood became more sanguine. 鈥淵ou know Quent, you may have been right. If being English is about anything, it鈥檚 about losing while keeping as much of your dignity intact as possible, and moving on.

鈥淣ow when does the Slovenia game start?鈥�*

As seen by Nick Jones

*好色先生TV went to press before England鈥檚 gritty victory/embarrassing draw/humiliating loss