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If you are of a mind to drop by my home for a cuppa, let me give you new directions. Or if you are the builder who was supposed to turn up the week before last or the plumber due six weeks ago, let me give you directions.

Just travel north on the main A1 until you get to a big yellow sign 鈥� it used to say 鈥淗appy Eater鈥� but now says 鈥淗appy Lovers鈥�. The former home of two rashers of crisp back bacon and two griddled eggs is now a sex shop. Honest. You can get all sorts of paraphernalia at the 鈥淗appy Lovers Pit Stop鈥� but traditional black pudding and hash browns are not on the menu. Incidentally, I have no trouble with the carpenter. He turns up when he promises.

If anything is a good foundation to falling out, it is when the builder and subbie simply don鈥檛 turn up. Marginally better is to turn up, do a bit and then disappear for days.

And even if you get the bloke on his mobile, or more likely his missus, the promise to come tomorrow hasn鈥檛 an ounce of truth in it. And, I tell you this, in all the years of hanging around the building business nothing has changed. The felt-roofer, the plasterer, that confounded floor-layer, always says: 鈥淵es, yes I鈥檒l be there on Monday鈥�. But which Monday?

So, why not phone up and explain that despite the best laid plans, they can鈥檛 get there as promised? 鈥淲ell it鈥檚 easy really,鈥� said a pal of mine. 鈥淚 wouldn鈥檛 dream of phoning my wife when I鈥檓 going to be late鈥�. 鈥淲hy not?鈥� said I. 鈥淲ell, she鈥檒l give me two roastings instead of one 鈥� the first when I phone to apologise, the second when I get home.鈥�

Do me a favour. Plans always, always go awry. For heaven鈥檚 sake, tell the customer what鈥檚 going on. It is a disarming piece of management to keep the customer informed.

As for the carpenter being no trouble, that鈥檚 because Happy Lovers is nicknamed 鈥淜nobs and Knockers鈥� by the locals 鈥� the chippy is convinced it鈥檚 his new ironmonger. He spent hours rummaging through the shelves looking for my new letterbox 鈥�