好色先生TV

It's all very well writing about energy performance requirements, the industry moaning, the government dithering, the building services firms counting their money. But what do these assessor people actually do? And how do they learn it? Armed with little more than an English degree and some chutzpah, I head to Stroma's HQ in Wakefield, to find out. But last-minute nerves cause a bout of insomnia that sets me off on the wrong foot ...

Date: 7 July 2008 - Location: London

06.13 鈥� After somewhat sleepless night, not nodding off till one, I come to with a jolt. I鈥檝e missed my 5.30 alarm. I shower erratically.

06.55 鈥� At King鈥檚 Cross, pay triple digit fare for a return to Wakefield. I am now awake.

08.30 鈥� On train, finally read welcome letter from Stroma. I haven鈥檛 loaded the DEC software on to my computer. Luckily, however, I did have got my computer, but for other things. Almost by accident, I have completed the bare minimum of preparation, but done no homework. Nothing has changed here since age 13.

09.30 鈥� Arrive Eagle Point business park, unit 4. Met by course leader, Stuart Thompson, dragging cheerfully on a Richmond. 鈥淪traight to the back, up the stairs,鈥� he says.

09.31 鈥� Ascend staircase into class room facing about 25 less-than-eager-looking DEC candidates engaged in not much hubbub. Strangely, there is a large empty warehouse space complete with minstrel鈥檚 gallery and automatic doors visible through a window right next to us.

Classroom politics

Class ages range from about 10 in the 20 to 30 range, with a bulge at the 40-50. There are three women.

09.37 鈥� Stuart sits down and looks around for a bit.

09.40 鈥� Kevin from Essex, who has been up since 4am, asks if there鈥檚 a tea or a coffee. 鈥淒ownstairs,鈥� says Stuart. I join him and we commiserate about our near brush with dawn.

09.50 鈥� Stuart kicks into action, hurtling headlong into a well-ordered PowerPoint addressing every facet of the DEC legislation as writ in the DCLG EPBD bible. This will last until lunch time. A mercurial smile plays around his lips.

10.15 鈥� We are led through the A-Z of all that is known about the DEC process 鈥� the size of buildings that need one (more than 1,000 sq m) and which don鈥檛, what constitutes a 鈥榣arge number of persons鈥� as in 鈥榩ublic buildings frequently visited by.鈥� The government鈥檚 definition is 鈥榓ny number of persons above one,鈥� apparently.

Public buildings are those that receive any government funding at all (so leisure centres are in, contrary to some reports). A building is has a roof and walls and we learn the definition of those altered to be used separately (considered the same office whether on contiguous floors or not) and we find out that buildings that are 鈥榣inked鈥� have to be done so by another 鈥榖uilding鈥� with a roof 鈥� a covered walkway doesn鈥檛 count, so two buildings of 999 sq m linked by an open walkway won鈥檛 need DECs.

Throughout the process of the PowerPoint rendition, lawyerly queries are fielded from the floor. Most of the group seems to know the legislation. There is a note of world weariness in the air.

Stuart knows his onions and seems informed of DCLG鈥檚 latest manoeuvrings (delays, apparently) regarding certificates implementation:

鈥淲hat about social housing?鈥� That鈥檚 probably domestic, Stuart thinks.

鈥満蒙�先生TVs constructed under a PFI framework?鈥� They鈥檙e certainly publicly-funded.

鈥淗ow about a Post Office?鈥� Stuart鈥檚 not sure. He will get back to the questioner.

鈥楽eek independent legal advice鈥� is a common refrain in the legislation. 鈥淭his is going to be hard to get,鈥� Stuart predicts.

Take a break

11.00 鈥� It鈥檚 coffee time. I corner a young lady sitting at the back. She鈥檚 Emma, a 23-year-old from Richmond, Yorkshire, who was doing fine as a building surveyor, having qualified in estates management, until she was laid off in the property turmoil. Her parents, developers, are helping her to pay for this study as well as the level 3 and 4 EPCs.

She鈥檚 desperately asking government-funded organisations for benchmark costs for carrying out DECs so she can undercut them, but has discovered none as yet.

Someone says that 400,000 buildings will need DECS October 1st. Unlike EPCs these are not transactionally triggered documents; they have to be available for viewing by that date, no mean feat with 14 inspectors at last count.

11.20 鈥� The questions begin to outnumber the (power) points made by Stuart. He answers them all in the same faintly amused, laid back way. We are heading towards conversation. I begin to relax. Yet the mood remains somewhat sullen.

11.25 鈥� We are told that it is good practice to visit properties so that informed Advice Reports can be produced. The lady in a purple cardigan sitting next to me erupts. She says she might have 4,000 to do so she can鈥檛 see how any self-respecting assessor would hold out against those offering a quick service based on receiving bills and plans and crunching the numbers. says it鈥檚 the assessor鈥檚 name on a legal document.

Advisory Reports are meant to advise on things like installation of sub-meters for separate organisations within the same building. But who鈥檚 going to guard the guards? Anecdotal evidence alleges that Trading Standards, who are meant to be in charge, want nothing much to do with it.

The danger of fly-by-night outfits operating unchecked is a common complaint for those who are sceptical about the Government鈥檚 EPBD arrangements. We have the pyramid of assessor schemes to fall back on, of course.鈥淎ny assessor who makes incorrect recommendations or assessments would certainly be kick of the scheme,鈥� says Stuart.

11.35 鈥� I ask if DECs will be available for the general public to view online? There鈥檚 no arrangement for that as yet, Stuart replies, but he agrees that would be in the spirit of the legislation.

11.45 鈥� The ongoing problems with the DEC software become part of the teaching. Early versions crashed frequently, apparently, but they are getting more stable. There are no announcements of updates from government, you have to check the web site. Another thing you have to check for are updates of the files that contain the standard information about building sizes (buildings are measured against a notional standard) the SIP files. 鈥淥h, God,鈥� sighs the lady in the purple cardigan.

12.24 鈥� A young man asks a question about secure units. We are veering between broad legal generalities on the one hand and minutely detailed queries on the other.

12.40 鈥� "Any other questions?" Stuart asks. When鈥檚 lunch? someone asks. 鈥淣ot yet, but soon,鈥� he replies. First, a test.

Mock attack

The 鈥楧EC Mock Exam鈥� is meant to be a carbon copy of the type of thing that prospective inspectors will face in the qualifying procedure.

It asks about types of A/C, details from the software, questions about alternative energy sources 鈥� It seems a bit unfair that we are being quizzed on anything apart from the PowerPoint, but I鈥檓 not sure we鈥檝e learnt that much. Purple cardigan lady corrects typos while answering questions.

"All done?" Stuart asks eventually. He goes through the answers. I begin to bond with said purple cardigan lady. She turns out to be an energy efficiency manager (large companies) from EDF, although she runs karaoke nights in her spare time. She pumps her fist at every right answer. As for me, it turns out I have learnt a thing or two in my six months of sustainability. I score a respectable 42%. She鈥檚 jubilant at her 70%. 鈥業 did well,鈥� she says. 鈥業 should bloody well hope so,鈥� I reply.

Lunch

13.00 鈥� It鈥檚 lunch. Except there are no sandwiches.

13.10 鈥� A diffuse grumpiness hangs over the room.

13.15 鈥� Lunch arrives. The sandwich man went to the wrong unit. It鈥檚 a fine spread though of homemade sandwiches, quiches, pies, French fancies all cling-filmed up.

13:30 - Neil Kurz, a spokesman for the ill-fated domestic energy assessors comes and says hi.

I have spoke with him over the phone when I was preparing my article on the travails of the nation鈥檚 fledgling troupe of DEAs. Delays to the legislation, oversubscription on the courses and watering down of the Home Information Packs continues to create havoc in the industry. Respected surveyors, like Habitus, went to the wall. Things have only got worse for those remaining, of course, with the housing market grinding to a halt.

Apparently, the government is encouraging out of work DEAs to become DEC inspectors, but do they have the money left to cough up a grand more in training costs? Martin, a spruce 50-year-old does (like Emma) but he鈥檚 a developer. He says he thinks he鈥檚 never met such a dishonest industry as that spawned by the EPBD. All anyone wants is money, he says.

Neil doubts DECs will be in place by October and we should strike back. 鈥淭he only thing to do is to go into public buildings and ask to see their DECs, then write to the media. That鈥檚 the only way people will know about it.鈥�

No going back

14.10 鈥� Returned in our seats, I鈥檓 not the only one. It turns out a lot of people have forgotten to install the free DEC software. Stuart circles the room with his pen drive.

14.20 鈥揥e begin looking through the programme. It seems simple enough in some ways. There鈥檚 a choice of building types (their stats come from the CIP file) and I choose a public 鈥榙iscotheque.鈥� 鈥淎 council-run discotheque 鈥� brings back memories,鈥� says Julie.

14.30 鈥� We run through the programme. We create our unique 鈥榓ssessor number鈥� out of thin air, and a unique building identifier which must be logged by Landmark which has the government contract to safeguard all this information. Each building inspection has a different number.

I begin entering information about my council discotheque, including the type of air conditioning, the type of power used, whether it has any heavy energy-using facilities on site and whether it has a sub-meter. The output of these sub-metered facilities can be subtracted from the building鈥檚 overall consumption and will be covered by the Carbon Reduction Commitment (coming to your screens 2011) or the wider European emissions trading system (ETS).

If there鈥檚 no sub-meter, assessors must advise putting one in. Lining up the billing periods is proving to be a headache. You have to enter 12 months worth of consumption and align it with the different types of other energy used. There鈥檚 a three month period mentioned for some purpose. I am getting beyond my capability to understand this on my five hours鈥� sleep. Any renewable generative technologies can be discounted if they are sub-metered. If they鈥檙e not, that goes in the Advisory Report, too. Note to self: buy shares in meter manufacturing sector.

I make a mistake. 鈥淲here鈥檚 the back button?鈥� I ask Stuart. 鈥淭here isn鈥檛 one. You have to start again.鈥� Creating a piece of data gathering software without a back button seems a bit like making a bog brush without a handle. I start again.

I鈥檝e entered all the data, or entered most of it and fudged the rest. I produce a PDF report with a watermark. My discotheque鈥檚 DEC rating is 4237, which is impossibly bad. Must be some sound system.

Coffee and flake

15.00 鈥� In the kitchen, I speak to Julie, Neil, Martin and Kevin. They complain about the government and the 鈥榩anels鈥� which many DEAs joined. Kevin says he鈥檚 heard of a guy who paid 拢12,000 to train as a DEA and then another 拢42,000 for a 鈥榝ranchise in which he was meant to be able to be sole area issuer of DEAs for a panel. No work resulted. He鈥檚 55 and that was his entire pension fund. These kind of tales, urban legends or not, reflect the anger of many burnt by the DEA debacle. The fallout pervades this training like smoke after a fire.

Some don鈥檛 think much of the training, but they said they didn鈥檛 think much of BRE or CIBSE training days they鈥檝e been on either.

15.30 鈥� It is clear I have missed some talk from Stuart and we are now meant to be examining the building to issue a DEC, but I'm getting into some interesting conversation. A member of the party has appeared in the kitchen and is poking around the boiler. Shamefully, lack of sleep is getting the better of me. I am happier networking (aka talking) I linger some more.

16.00 鈥� I go upstairs and get my own clipboard and try to piece together what I have missed. I stare ruefully at the empty form. I have to go over to the plans which Stuart has printed out (we are meant to make a copy by hand), then look at the boiler and examine the building for signs of meterage or other control. We are also to take note of the materials of the building and the windows and doors. The terms on the plan don鈥檛 mean enough to me to be able to fill that bit in.

We are given a list of energy usage statistics. It鈥檚 getting a bit much. Without Stuart鈥檚 intro as to what to do when I was gassing, I find the form hard to fill in. I wander around the large, unlovely empty warehouse unit next door. I鈥檓 joined by Jack, a New Zealand-born energy manager with a local council in Essex.

鈥淭his bit isn鈥檛 on the plan,鈥� he says. 鈥淣either鈥檚 the main building,鈥� says someone else. I鈥檓 more confused.

鈥淲hat about this room?鈥� Jack asks as we walk through two empty rooms to a third empty one. 鈥淚t鈥檚 an unheated volume inside a heated volume.鈥� He scribbles.

I fill in some bits of the form and wander back to the boiler.

鈥淐ondensing,鈥� someone says, pointing at a plastic tube emerging from the white box. 鈥淒ead giveaway.鈥� No metering, though, apparently.

16.24 鈥� I return to my software and begin entering data, but decided to peer at Julie鈥檚 since she has a better understanding about it. The building comes in at 437 鈥� a G. 鈥淣ot enough insulation,鈥� she says. I cobble something together. I have done a DEC. I'd love to feel triumphant, like at the end of a sports film, but I'm cracking up.

16.40 鈥� I鈥檓 ready to go. Martin is peering intently at his screen, prodding buttons. 鈥淚鈥檓 not going anywhere until I鈥檝e done this,鈥� he says. Jack, Julie and I make plans to share a cab to the train station. It arrives and I say my goodbyes and thank Stuart.

16.45 鈥� In the cab and train and in conversation with Julie (Jack鈥檚 ticket makes him go via Ely) I reflect on my training. It wasn鈥檛 very, well, technical nor very thorough. I worked out that three more questions from the 鈥榤ock鈥� were answered by my software run through. That takes me to 53%. Only 17% more needed to pass that. I鈥檝e 鈥榙one鈥� one DEC for my portfolio out of three needed. Two more 'shed' DECs later and I鈥檇 be qualified to carry one out for, say, Guy鈥檚 Hospital, the Houses of Parliament or the National Theatre. It鈥檚 an alarming prospect, not least for me.

As Ian, a local engineer, had said earlier: 鈥淚t鈥檚 OK carrying out the assessment,鈥� he says, 鈥渂ut what kind of use will the recommendations be from someone who hasn鈥檛 been in the industry for more than five minutes?鈥�

Is there a suspicion that, burnt by the DEA experience, the government has created a process that is so easy to qualify for that it is of little practical use?