好色先生TV

It鈥檚 Shoreditch rather than South Africa. In place of superb athletes trained to the summit of physical perfection we have an assortment of construction professionals in various stages of physical degeneration. And none are wearing 鈥渇orm-fitting Spandex鈥�. That鈥檚 against the rules.

Arriving at Bar Kick for 好色先生TV鈥檚 inaugural table football World Cup, it鈥檚 clear that there are a few minor differences between our event and the tournament that鈥檚 about to kick off in Johannesburg. It鈥檚 also clear that football fever has the industry in its grip once again, recession or no.

Lining up to represent some of the World Cup鈥檚 hopefuls on this miniature stage is a spread of exceptional (or in some cases, unexceptional) construction talent from across the globe. Each of our eight teams is captained by someone from the nation they represent, plus a teammate from any nationality. All are 2010 World Cup nations - apart from Ireland, who just have a heavy presence in the industry and wanted to have a go. The connection between 好色先生TV鈥檚 players and Argentina is too tenuous to explain, but it does exist somewhere - and right now there are more important matters at hand.

As Ireland鈥檚 Tom Black puts it: 鈥淎t the end of the day, it鈥檚 two men against two men. And then 22 little men. And a really small ball.鈥�

Group A

England 9 - 1 South Africa

The crowd are silent. The players, strangely calm. The hype and the hullabulloo are over, the football is about to begin. England鈥檚 centre forward draws back his leg and sets the World Cup in motion. And it鈥檚 clear at once that South Africa haven鈥檛 got a clue how to play this game. England, majestic, crack in two goals, the second from Roger鈥檚 right back. Gary, a mountainous former semi-pro rugby player, who claims proficiency in 13 sports, retaliates with a spectacular own goal from the half-way line. Allan, who looks like he鈥檒l have plenty to say in this tournament, efficiently bangs in six more. 鈥淚鈥檓 going for a smoke to get my strength back,鈥� Steve mutters as he leaves the pitch.

Argentina 2 - 7 Ireland

好色先生TV has decided to atone for Thierry Henry鈥檚 crime by inviting Ireland. Just to make sure there are no hard feelings, 好色先生TV also supplies the Argentine side (Roxane used to live in the Falklands/Malvinas - it鈥檚 a long story). As the ref signals kick off, we鈥檙e still establishing that the front sticks have more players, but the goalie has more responsibility (Roxane: 鈥淎nd it鈥檚 harder because it鈥檚 my left hand 鈥︹��). We quickly concede a goal from Ireland鈥檚 keeper.

It鈥檚 more total fiasco than total football. And Ireland鈥檚 forward, Pete, is faster than a jet-assisted cobra.

Ireland 7 - 2 South Africa

Ireland go into the match as favourites after their stylish demolition of Argentina, but it鈥檚 a tense opening and SA hold their own until a minute in, when Steve commits the schoolboy error of passing back while his goalkeeper is having a fag. Two sharp shots from Ireland鈥檚 formidable Pete and Gary is reduced to making scurrilous comments about his wrist action before going down clutching his ankle. The ref spots the dive and waves play on. Another five goal margin for Erin鈥檚 own.

Argentina 1 - 7 England

Argentina are in belligerent mood. After their confused performance against Ireland, they have something to prove. Namely, how quickly it鈥檚 possible to go a goal down: 0.001 seconds. The second is scored at 0.003, and the game turns into a rout. Roger, the Stuart Pearce of England鈥檚 defence, takes advantage of his lead to make a futile attempt to demoralise Argentina by passing the ball across the back line. Futile because the gals from Buenos Aires are already gazing at the scoreboard in mute despair 鈥�

England 8 - 3 Ireland

This is the game we鈥檝e been waiting for: neither side has really been tested so far, and the connoisseurs are looking forward to the contest between Pete鈥檚 venomous attack and Roger鈥檚 wily, mocking defence. The game starts at a frenetic pace and it looks as though the teams are amatch for each other; after a minute and a half it鈥檚 two-all and tight as a tourniquet. But Roger was a mean player in his university days and his influence eases the nerves of Allan, who gets the measure of Tom鈥檚 full backs. Meanwhile, more mazy dribbling from Roger de-fangs Pete and England progress to the next stage as Group A champions.

Argentina 3 - 9 South Africa

These two bewildered sides have only their pride to play for in the final game of Group A. Unfortunately, most of it disappeared long ago 鈥� But a few minutes in, something truly shocking happens - Argentina take the lead! But as we celebrate this momentous achievement, we take our eye off the ball, allowing the enemy to seize control of the game. When the final whistle goes, they are six ahead. Gary whips his shirt over his head in triumph - SA are not the most useless side in the tournament. We are.

(see Group A: The Final Table, right)

Group B

Brazil 4-4 Holland

Controversy erupts like an unhappy Icelandic volcano after Brazil鈥檚 Walkyria has a goal disallowed for spinning her rod in the first minute of the game. The Brazilians protest but the ref waves them away and play resumes. These sides play an attractive brand of football, and the ball is soon smashed from end to end, and net to net: Holland score, Brazil equalise. Momentarily distracted, Urmi hits an own goal but then Derek scores again. In the right goal. It鈥檚 4-3 to Holland and we鈥檙e playing time added on. The Brazilians look sick as parrots 鈥� but as the ref is inflating his lungs to blow the whistle, Walkyria yelps as she buries the ball in the Dutch net. The best game so far ends in a draw.

New Zealand 0 - 9 Portugal

鈥淎aaargh!鈥� remarks New Zealand鈥檚 Rebbecca as she scores an own goal with her first kick. Portugal score again seconds later with deadly precision. And again. And again. And鈥� to cut a long and repetitive story short, New Zealand are overrun. Daniel, in defence, doesn鈥檛 look like letting anything past, but finds the time to score three goals of his own. At the other end, Luisa鈥檚 front three keep disappearing in a blur of motion, followed by a riflecrack as another goal is scored. A shaken New Zealand retire for a team talk and more beer.

Holland 1-6 Portugal

This match makes it clear that it isn鈥檛 so much that New Zealand were rubbish as Portugal are slightly better than Brazil were in 1970. They do let a goal in, however, prompting gasps from the crowd, but it鈥檚 the only flaw in another dominant performance. In fact, scoring might have been a tactical mistake by Derek as it only seems to make the Portuguese even faster and more aggressive. After the match ends, Luisa and Daniel give an interview to the press. Have they, by any chance, played before?

鈥淚 had my first table football game when I was three,鈥� says Luisa. Ah. Daniel adds: 鈥淚t鈥檚 a Portuguese thing. We used to skip lessons so we could go and play.鈥� Ladies and gentlemen: meet the tournament favourites.

Brazil 6-3 New Zealand

Things are hotting up now. And not just at the bar. The two players of Brazil have changed position and Juan鈥檚 showing some proper Brazilian skill (even though he鈥檚 Columbian). He scores twice and it starts to look like a familiar tale, but Rebecca, who is putting in the kind of muscular effort usually seen in the last 10m of an Olympic rowing final, finally gets one in the back of the net. Then she scores again and it looks like the Kiwis鈥� drought is over. Juan keeps yelling 鈥渘oooooo鈥� as though to encourage them, but the score is 5-2 and time is slipping away. Then the Kiwis score, raising one last crazy mad hope before the boy from Brazil (ie Colombia) puts the matter beyond doubt.

New Zealand 6-1 Holland

No sooner are New Zealand gone than they鈥檙e back again, still screaming, and the reasonable Dutch are unprepared for this level of maniacal, Haka-like aggression. The Dutch defence, usually so composed, is struck with a flurry of blows as Gurpal converts chance after chance. 鈥淚t must be the drink鈥�, says Derek, with a shake of his head. But finally he unleashes a tremendous, Hagi-like strike from the back. It cuts straight through most of the Kiwi defence but is saved by the keeper鈥檚 tiny wooden fingertips. Dutch heads go down when New Zealand score again, then, in the last few seconds they scrape a consolation goal - not that they appear hugely consoled.

Brazil 0-9 Portugal

As soon as the whistle blows Portugal is on the attack and scoring faster than the human eye can see. Brazil are discomfited. Walkyria does that yelping thing again. They change position again, but Portugal score again. They change back. Portugal score another three. Nothing seems to work. Walkyria stops to shake a startled Juan by the shoulders, but even that does nothing to improve their performance. If only they trained a little harder - by starting at the age of three, for example. If only they hadn鈥檛 wasted their youth getting an education 鈥� As the ref鈥檚 whistle blows, it鈥檚 sadly apparent that it鈥檚 too late now.

(see Group B: The Final Table, right)

Semi Finals

England 8-1 Brazil

There鈥檚 something about the way that Allan is wearing his football shirt over the top of his shirt, tie and cufflinked sleeves that doesn鈥檛 inspire confidence. Doesn鈥檛 he look a bit 鈥� well, English? When he comes up against the uninhibited, liquid grace of Brazil in full flow, the effortless, rhythmical approach play, the sudden moments of fantasy, ecstasy and unpredictable yelping, is he psychologically equipped?

Luckily, Brazil calm the nerves of England鈥檚 supporters by opening the game with an own goal, and, as you鈥檇 expect, it鈥檚 a splendid one. This seems to spur on Walkyria, who soon levels the score, and although Roger鈥檚 game is getting better and better - where is Allan? England are getting a bit of stick from the crowd around the table now. Someone in the Irish squad remarks: 鈥淭his is about as close as England will get to the World Cup final鈥�. But Brazil fail to convert their early form into goals, and gradually England get the measure of them, and start scoring. Seeing as Allan says he鈥檚 never played before, and Roger hasn鈥檛 played for 鈥渁bout 40 years鈥� they鈥檙e not doing too badly. In fact, they are an incredible five up. Against Brazil. They even score a few more and the ref鈥檚 so excited he鈥檚 taken it upon himself to start commentating in the style of John Motson 鈥� 鈥淓ngland are in the final! Could this be 1966 all over again?鈥�

Portugal 9-5 Ireland

This is the game that many thought ought to be the final, and although Portugal are favourites - their aggregate score is, after all, 24-1- Ireland is the first team to give the school-dodging overachievers a proper game. Luisa Eus茅bio Ribeiro is foiled time and time again by Tom鈥檚 imperturbable defence, and Pete 鈥渢he Scaley One鈥� Gibson seems actually to be worrying Daniel. Portugal take the lead, but amazingly, Ireland pull two back. Portugal are behind.

There a moment of stunned silence before the crowd begin shouting for Tom and Pete, the plucky underdogs who are performing a miracle. Drinks are spilled, strangers embraced, weird dances attempted. A spontaneous ceilidh is swirling around the table. Luisa even takes her watch off. Could this be the biggest upset of the cup?

After what seems like hours (but is probably about 40 seconds) Portugal equalise. The Irish grit their teeth and reach for strength they didn鈥檛 know they had. But they do have it. They score again. So do Portugal. So do Ireland. Then, with two minutes to go, Luisa and Daniel change gear. Daniel bangs in two specular goals, one with his left back, the other with his goalkeeper, and Luisa joins in. Tom鈥檚 defence finally cracks and Portugal score their customary nine goals. Which puts them in the final.

Against England.

The final

England vs Portugal

The crowd is pressing against the edges of the table, Allan has finally emerged from the gents wearing only one shirt and England are starting their first World Cup final for 44 years. The coin spins in the air. It鈥檚 in Portugal鈥檚 favour. Luisa taps the ball twice on the side of the stadium and kicks off. Luisa vs Roger. It鈥檚 like Pel茅 vs Bobby Moore. Canny, pipesmoking Roger shows, moves, feints, denies, strikes. Time and again he puts the ball at Allan鈥檚 feet. Luisa just strikes. Like lightning. And as Daniel gets the better of Allan, she has more and more attacks. She must score, and does, a stunning goal from midfield. It鈥檚 swiftly followed by two more. England try to slow things down, Roger passes the ball in his own half while they regroup, and the crowd are turning against them. 鈥淪ame old England,鈥� shouts one. 鈥淏ottled it at the last minute!鈥� 鈥淩oute one!鈥� shouts another. But Roger鈥檚 tactics seem to pay off as England snatch one back in a goalmouth scramble. It鈥檚 not over yet - but the English lack penetration in attack. They鈥檙e also losing the midfield battle, and the step up to 10 minutes seems to be exposing their lack of match fitness. But against the run of play, they grab three more - surely this can鈥檛 be happening 鈥�

As before, a series of goals from Daniel begins the rout and in no time at all its 17-7 鈥� there鈥檚 a great save from the English goalie but it鈥檚 too late, there鈥檚 no way back. Some very small people are on the pitch. The ref is dancing. It鈥檚 all over 鈥� Portugal are the new world champions.

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