好色先生TV

Welcome to the hottest competition of the year, as the country鈥檚 gamest architects and housebuilders compete to find the answer to the UK鈥檚 (miniature) housing shortage. We deliberately kept timescales short to make it more realistic 鈥� our three teams had just over a week to design their houses and acquire the materials before the on-site assembly and judging. 好色先生TV decided not to be too prescriptive, but we did set a few rules to make comparison possible 鈥�

Dimensions

Houses may take any form, but they must have a front door for 好色先生TV鈥檚 100 mm high John Prescott-as-Santa cardboard cut-out to pose proudly for the obligatory photographs.

This should provide a rough guide to the size of contestants鈥� finished structures.

Materials

Anything goes, so long as contestants don鈥檛 spend more than 拢6 鈥� full costings and till receipts will be required by the judging panel. And to fulfil the forthcoming Code for Sustainable 好色先生TVs, at least 10% of materials must be recycled. Extra points are given for use of edible materials, Hansel-and-Gretel style 鈥� this is the panto season after all.

Specifications

We鈥檒l keep this simple: each house needs to have two bedrooms, cooking facilities and some kind of living area. In line with 好色先生TV Regulations, it must also have an accessible downstairs loo. And for a bit of seasonal cheer, there absolutely must be a Christmas tree 鈥� additional decoration, the more tasteless the better, will receive bonus points.

Vegetable chopping has intensified to a near-frenzy and Chris wonders aloud whether off-site technology could have taken some pressure off

Melon House

The BPTW consortium

Kathryn Elphick BPTW Partnership Helena Leung BPTW Partnership Isabel MacAllister Cyril Sweett Debbie Setterfield Benton Setterfield Partnership

Structural Debbie Setterfield is elbow-deep in melon pulp. 鈥淚t鈥檚 the structural envelope we鈥檙e after here,鈥� she says, eyes fixed in quiet determination as gobbets of melon spill out onto the table. Her teammates seem equally focused: Isabel MacAllister, an associate director of Cyril Sweett, is cutting celery into tiny strips; Kathryn Elphick, from BPTW Partnership, is busy transforming a pear and holly berries into a Christmas tree; and Helena Leung, also from BPTW, is doing something fiddly with a walnut. John Prescott would surely be proud of the attitude, if not necessarily the results.

The BPTW team has clearly decided that the way to build cheaply is to head for the fruit and veg counter. For just 拢3.20 the group believes it can build a roomy two-storey family home with garden. Jamie Oliver could learn a lot from these people.

With such a tight schedule (about an hour and a quarter 鈥� 好色先生TV is a very demanding client), good is of the essence, and the way each person is hacking away at their allotted fruit/nut/salad vegetable suggests this is a well-honed unit. So it鈥檚 surprising to hear that the planning phase of the project was fairly fast. 鈥淒oes it look like I鈥檝e done this before?鈥� asks Debbie, as a tide of melon juice pours onto the floor. The design stage, it quickly transpires, occurred 鈥渙ver lunch鈥�. Was alcohol involved? 鈥淵es.鈥�

Still, construction is continuing apace, with the melon structure almost complete. The first of the judges, engineer Chris Wise of Expedition Engineering, wanders across to cast an eye over proceedings. Isabel, for one, is not fazed by the presence of the man who engineered the Millennium Bridge. 鈥淎re you famous?鈥� she asks politely. 鈥淎re we supposed to know who you are?鈥� Standing, somewhat poignantly, at a window overlooking his famous creation, Chris quickly turns the conversation to the project in hand. 鈥淚s it all organic?鈥� he asks. Kathryn feels duty-bound to admit that the melon could be genetically modified 鈥� 鈥淚t is totally round.鈥� Debbie tries to salvage some eco-points: 鈥淚 did actually look for a rotten melon. This one is probably highly unsustainable. It came from Brazil. But we鈥檒l offset it.鈥�

Chris is joined by a second judge, former RIBA president George Ferguson, and the pair mutter anxiously about the amount of site labour involved 鈥� the 鈥渟ite鈥� by this stage is beginning to resemble a sweatshop as run by Gordon Ramsay. There is a slight delay caused by a design hitch (鈥淭he melon is so much smaller than visualised in meetings,鈥� laments Debbie), which has intensified the vegetable chopping to a near-frenzy. Chris wonders aloud whether off-site technology could have taken some pressure off the construction schedule: 鈥淚s there any way to genetically modify a pre-scooped melon?鈥� he ponders. George suggests that a coconut might have been better, and Isabel concedes ruefully that 鈥渃oconuts do have an excellent whole-life performance鈥�.

But then, as with all architectural triumphs, it all begins to come together. The hollowed-out walnut shell is installed as a stylish downstairs toilet, and Isabel鈥檚 celery pieces are used to make a picket fence, ensuring plenty of points for external private space. Creative use of Ryvita creates dividing walls and an elegant mezzanine. To top it off, a box of cress creates the last word in green roofs.

Two more judges walk over. Quantity surveyor Simon Rawlinson of Davis Langdon expresses scepticism about the costs and queries the ethics of nabbing materials for free from the office. But Gus Alexander, an architect so arguably more of an aesthete, seems won over, merely murmuring 鈥渕ost beautiful鈥�. He notes the influence of Paolo Solari and, oddly, Old Mother Hubbard, and then wanders off reciting a nursery rhyme about melons.

The Breadwinner

The 好色先生TV Graduate Advisory Board

Tarek Merlin Alsop Architects Carolina Lameiras Adams Kara Taylor Vicki Burley EC Harris Andy Link Bovis Lend Lease

Tarek Merlin, architect of the 鈥淏readwinner鈥�, explains how the idea of duplex apartments was inspired by 鈥淟e Corbusier sections鈥�. And he鈥檚 got beer-stained sketches and plans to prove it. 鈥淲e feel strongly that a 拢6 house is not good enough, we wanted to build flats for the 鈥榖read and butter鈥� of society 鈥� the key workers.鈥� It turns out the design was conceived in the pub.

Carolina Lameiras, the structural engineer, says she鈥檚 confident the baguette supports will mean that the building is structurally sound. 鈥淎lso, the good thing about bread is that it can be moulded to a surface, and it has acoustic and thermal advantages.鈥�

One of the judges, George Ferguson, strolls in, ignores all the activity and gazes out of the window at the Thames. 鈥淣ow that would be a great place to have a party,鈥� he says, pointing to a pillar of the old Blackfriars railway bridge in the middle of the river. 鈥淚t reminds me of an enjoyable evening I spent in Checkpoint Charlie not long after the Berlin wall came down.鈥�

Chris adds that bread is to be avoided in modern buildings because of its high carbon content

The graduate team exchange looks. George switches his attention to Vicki Burley, who is counting the drawing pins that will fix the bread cladding onto the shoeboxes: 鈥淭rust the QS to get on to that one.鈥�

Chris Wise pops in just as Vicki is confronted with an overhang problem caused by some of the bread cladding panels being too big for the shoebox units. Her 鈥渙n-site snagging鈥� consists of some nifty work with the bread knife. Chris slips in a tricky question about coastal locations 鈥済iven the obvious seagull problem鈥�. Nobody volunteers an answer.

Simon Rawlinson walks past as the team discusses how best to use the discount baguettes as supports. He is concerned that 鈥渄eleterious materials鈥� could be involved. Chris adds that bread is to be avoided in modern buildings because of its high carbon content. Andy Link is having problems coating the roof garden with butter and questions whether 鈥淏utter me up鈥� should have been specified. Simon isn鈥檛 impressed by the choice either: 鈥淚t鈥檚 not even real butter, it鈥檚 one of those awful spreads.鈥�

Tarek and Carolina discover two of the shoeboxes are not in the right position. This could be serious. Luckily someone finds a pair of scissors and some sticky-back tape and the problem is solved.

When 好色先生TV announces that the teams have five minutes of extra time, last-minute alterations are mooted. Carolina suggests losing some structural columns. Tarek disagrees; the columns stay put. Vicki wants a wall to separate the bathroom and the living room, but Andy prefers the open-plan look.

As a final touch, Andy requests a visit from the Prescott cut-out to check he can fit through the front door and Vicki places the token Christmas tree beside him.

There鈥檚 no time to adorn the house with sweets, so the team decides to eat the two packets of jelly tots and M&Ms to celebrate completion.

Bellows House

The Piercy Conner consortium

Matti Lampila Piercy Conner Susan Carruth Piercy Conner Ross Cunningham Smoothe Tim Lucas Price & Myers

The Piercy Connor team bucks the trend by refusing to fashion a dwelling out of food. Instead, it arrives with what looks suspiciously like a well-prepared plan. The Bellows House, based on a concertina structure, is an inspired take on Prescott鈥檚 dream of mass-produced housing. 鈥淵ou simply stretch it out to make it bigger,鈥� beams Susan Carruth. 鈥淲e鈥檙e looking at a more holistic lifetime design 鈥� as your family expands, your house does too.鈥�

The team exudes smoothness. Quite literally 鈥� team member Ross Cunningham is from a company that is actually called Smoothe, and was responsible for a beautiful mock-up board that has the judges purring with pleasure. 鈥淲hat a lovely idea!鈥� exclaims George Ferguson. Simon Rawlinson is very excited about the possibility of a leylandii that could grow with the house. And Chris Wise is enthralled. 鈥淵ou could make it tilt up, to go over hills,鈥� he grins. 鈥淥r you could just use it as a slinky.鈥� Unfortunately, Cunningham isn鈥檛 around to take the plaudits 鈥� he is so smooth, it seems, that he hasn鈥檛 even turned up.

The Bellows House is an inspired take on the Prescott dream of mass-produced housing. You simply stretch it out to make it bigger

The sophisticated approach extends to the team鈥檚 answer to how much the house would cost. 鈥淲e can do it for 拢0,鈥� says Lampila. 鈥淚t鈥檚 made entirely from recyclable materials.鈥�

But George isn鈥檛 convinced. 鈥淎 zero cost house is about as likely as perpetual motion,鈥� he opines. 鈥淚t doesn鈥檛 happen.鈥� The team seems ready to quibble, until Chris points out that the use of some state-of-the-art laser cutting machines at The Bartlett could count as a cost. A fair point 鈥� and surely modern methods of construction require an initial outlay to build the factories?

Despite the slick presentation, the team has clearly entered into the spirit of the competition. The mdf for the walls has come not from Rymans, but from the skip outside the Price & Myers office. And it isn鈥檛 just anybody鈥檚 skip 鈥� it belongs to a certain Jamie Oliver, who uses the downstairs offices to record Sainsbury鈥檚 commercials. 鈥淚t鈥檚 usually full of dead fish,鈥� explains Tim Lucas. 鈥淏ut we saw it this morning and thought it looked OK.鈥�

Chris, meanwhile, is determined to pick holes in the design. 鈥淗ow鈥檚 it lit at night time?鈥� he demands. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 see any windows.鈥� Matti Lampila tries to explain that the roof would be translucent, despite the use of paper that isn鈥檛 in the model itself. 鈥淏ut it would be in the real thing,鈥� he asserts defiantly. Just like the Urban Summit鈥檚 拢60,000 house 鈥� fine, except it was 拢90,000.

Simon, like a good QS, is concerned that the house passes energy requirements. 鈥淭here鈥檚 an issue of waste here,鈥� he remarks, eyeing unused cardboard. 鈥淎nd what about U-values?鈥�

Finally, Chris succeeds in finding a flaw. 鈥淧rescott can鈥檛 get in!鈥� he exclaims triumphantly. The door is indeed too low, and the Millennium Bridge designer almost decapitates the deputy prime minister trying to ram him through the front door.

The only solution is to put him down and then lower the house onto him 鈥� fine, except that then he can鈥檛 get out. Maybe no bad thing 鈥�

The moment of truth: The judging

The 拢6 houses are complete and it鈥檚 almost time for the judges to have their say. But first, each team gets to state the case for its design. The presentations are a masterpiece of sales patter over common sense. First up, it鈥檚 the Breadwinner House. Much emphasis is placed on the fact that the core element comes in prefabricated modules, or, in the words of Andy Link, 鈥渁 loaf鈥�. There is dangerous overuse of the word 鈥淐orbusian鈥�. Andy adds: 鈥淚t鈥檚 made out of 100% sustainable materials, it meets Part L and it鈥檚 prefabricated. And it鈥檚 high in fibre, low in fat 鈥︹��

The Melon House team puts a great deal of store by the fact that 鈥渁 sphere is the cheapest way to build a house鈥� and 鈥測ou can add any number of melon pods鈥� 鈥� assertions that the judges seem to view sceptically. And the viability of the design seems to rest quite strongly on there being 200,000 giant melons to go round, with the attendent gallons of water to nurture them. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 all right,鈥� says Debbie Setterfield. 鈥淭here鈥檚 plenty of water in the Thames Gateway 鈥︹�� Indeed, they may claw some points back by addressing the inherent flood risks in the area: 鈥淵ou can always turn it upside-down and use it as a boat.鈥�

The Bellows House team is just as confident. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a family house and it can be transported as far as you like,鈥� says Susan Carruth. 鈥淚t鈥檚 robust and meets Part A 鈥� no progressive collapse there. And it makes a good musical instrument.鈥� Chris Wise isn鈥檛 satisfied: 鈥淏ut what about the windows?鈥� he asks. Tim Lucas has the ideal answer: 鈥淲ho wants to look out of the window in the Thames Gateway?鈥�

So, over to our learned judges. After a brief confab, they decide that the houses should be judged according to the Vetruvian values of firmness, commodity and delight, with price, sustainability and scalability taken into account and, of course, the Prescott dimension test. A maximum of five points will be awarded for each criterion. This is, after all, as George Ferguson points out, 鈥減robably the most valuable architectural prize ever given in proportion to the cost of the entries鈥�.

George is taken with the Melon House, commenting that the architecture and structure are in union and it resembles a Gothic cathedral

The Breadwinner immediately comes under scrutiny for firmness, as George peers at the wonky top floor and notes 鈥渁 slight structural issue鈥�. Chris adds: 鈥淚 think it鈥檇 be better made out of toast. I mean, you could easily turn that into toast.鈥�

Another setback seems on the cards when Simon Rawlinson again casts doubt on its claim to be bread-and-butter housing. 鈥淚t鈥檚 margarine,鈥� he sniffs. Scalability is also felt to be an issue. Gus Alexander alerts the other judges to the fact that there is 鈥渁 shoe box issue 鈥� have you seen how many shoe boxes there are? If we鈥檙e talking scalability, is this realistic?鈥� Carolina Lameiras quickly responds: 鈥淵ou should see the number of shoe boxes in my house.鈥�

Points are allotted at lightning speed, but the overall figure is not revealed at this stage 鈥� one of the judges mutters something about 鈥渇udging it at the end鈥�. George merrily adds: 鈥淭his is all a lot more open than the Stirling Prize.鈥�

On to the Melon House. George is clearly taken with this, commenting that 鈥渢he architecture and structure are in union.

It鈥檚 like a gothic cathedral鈥�. 鈥淚t isn鈥檛 really though, is it?鈥� points out Gus, before Chris adds: 鈥淚 think it looks like Bobby Charlton.鈥�

George may concede this point, but there is no quenching the former RIBA president鈥檚 enthusiasm for the building, even though he is starting to show signs of having had a drop too much of 好色先生TV鈥檚 cut-price Shiraz. On the issue of scalability, he says with utter conviction: 鈥淲ith GM, I鈥檓 sure you could grow a melon the size of a house.鈥� The wave of momentum gathering behind this team is almost tangible.

Finally, the judges get to the Bellows House. Simon has concerns about the cost, pointing out that 鈥渢here鈥檚 a lot of fixed capital that hasn鈥檛 been taken into account鈥� 鈥� but Gus leaps to the house鈥檚 defence, saying that 鈥渁 bakery is expensive, too鈥�.

鈥淚t鈥檚 solved some problems very nicely and others not at all,鈥� says Chris. 鈥淎s a commodity you can change the shape of it 鈥� it鈥檚 structurally brilliant, a work of almost genius.鈥�

鈥淚t鈥檚 the most pre-engineered,鈥� observes Simon. 鈥淚t鈥檚 very well planned. But from an energy point of view, it could be a disaster.鈥�

This is clearly a debate that could go on long into the night.

It could, but it doesn鈥檛. In the time it takes Gus to find and open bottle of wine, a winner is decided 鈥�