好色先生TV

Some things are harder to do than they look. Take construction. And cake decoration. It seems easy enough when the professionals get down to it, combining the deft skills of the master plasterer with the keen eye of an artistic genius. Once deemed 鈥渢wee鈥�, in recent years it has become massively popular across all age ranges, thanks to TV shows such as The Great British Bake Off. It even has its own trade association: the British Sugarcraft Guild. It鈥檚 all the rage, basically. But easy it definitely isn鈥檛.

So what happens when a bunch of baking novices from the building industry who claim to have never been near a spatula in their lives are let loose on some sponge, icing sugar and butter cream, with a view to creating a construction-related decorated cake structure of their own? How would they get on? What would the end result look like? And what sort of mess would there be to clear up afterwards?

Christmas cakes

Such was the lot of the three teams who bravely agreed to assemble and decorate a cake of their own design in 好色先生TV鈥檚 2017 Christmas Charity Challenge, which once again aims to raise money for , the construction charity that puts the sector鈥檚 skills to good use, working with homelessness charities to improve emergency night shelters, hostels, day centres and 鈥渕ove-on鈥� accommodation, as well as hospices. 

It was inevitable that the phrase 鈥淚t鈥檚 a piece of cake鈥� would crop up as representatives from architect Architecture Initiative (AI), consultant Rider Levett Bucknall (RLB) and contractor Skanska gathered in a room on the 19th floor of 好色先生TV鈥檚 Blackfriars HQ to create masterpieces to be judged by Emete Friddle.

A former graphic designer who now runs her own cake-making business, Friddle鈥檚 Cakes, Em, as she鈥檚 known, will also offer guidance to the contestants, so the afternoon is in effect part competition, part masterclass. 

Nervous laughter echoes around the room as Em lays out an array of cake-related paraphernalia including stands, boards, tools and brushes. The teams then unload their own supplies: sponge 鈥� some home-made, some shop-bought 鈥� packets of fondant, tubs of icing sugar, and various other baking bits and bobs. All have come prepared with plans of what their end product should 鈥� emphasis on 鈥渟hould鈥� 鈥� look like. 

The RLB team, of Ben Taylor and Leah Croucher from the consultant鈥檚 marketing department, have opted to create a cake replica of the firm鈥檚 Louvre Abu Dhabi. Their plans look ambitious, with the building鈥檚 famous dome set on columns of sponge, through which one views reproductions of works of art in the guise of small sweets. Perhaps something by Edvard Munch? Let鈥檚 hope they don鈥檛 end up screaming by the time it鈥檚 all over.

Next to them, Lucy Maugham and Tom Eames, architecture assistants at AI, together with Jolien Dirix from the firm鈥檚 marketing department, are going all 鈥渇ree-form鈥�. On paper their design looks an impressive, dare one say 鈥渕inimalist鈥�, structure, the sort that wouldn鈥檛 look out of place alongside the Sir Denys Lasdun and Peter Softley-designed National Theatre on London鈥檚 South Bank. Jolien says Lucy is 鈥渢he cake expert鈥�, a plaudit the latter laughs off.

Further down the table are Skanska鈥檚  Becki Taylor (who works in something called 鈥渂usiness change鈥�), Emma Strong (business development) and quantity surveyor Milena Mazhkarova. The trio have brought in what looks like a kitchen鈥檚 worth of supplies to work on their two-tier design, together with the sketch they鈥檒l be working from, complete with a Lego crane, a couple of toy diggers and some mini traffic cones. Yup, mini traffic cones. The mind boggles.

Then the teams are ready, there are a few words of encouragement from Em, as well as what she鈥檚 looking for 鈥� good construction and finish, plus it鈥檒l help if it tastes nice 鈥� and we鈥檙e off. 

Fruitcakes

Among an array of ingredients the Skanska team have brought in is homemade sponge, which needs to be cut into layers. Em produces something called an Agbay Cake Leveller, a very technical-looking blade thingy, which creates the kind of cake surface a snooker player would be delighted to knock some balls around on. 

The AI team, who have already impressed Em by bringing along home-made butter cream, also need layers, and latch onto the tool. Tom spends what seems to be an inordinate amount of time making sure the levels are right, perhaps rightly so, since he expresses the concern that if he takes too much off 鈥渨e won鈥檛 have any cake left鈥�. 

There is also talk on the team of improvising their design. Jolien says: 鈥淪tick to the plan!鈥� Responds Lucy: 鈥淭here isn鈥檛 a plan!鈥� The improvisation doesn鈥檛 work. The AI team diligently refer back to their design, which mightily impresses our judge, Em. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 ambitious,鈥� she whispers, before going round the table to help Skanska sort out some corners. 

Over on RLB鈥檚 team, Ben brandishes aloft what he calls his 鈥渓ucky rolling pin鈥�, only for Em to politely but firmly bring him back down to earth: 鈥淭hat鈥檚 no good,鈥� she says pointing to the wooden instrument. 鈥淯se a plastic one.鈥� Correct tool in hand, Ben gets down to rolling out some fondant to act as the base of the Louvre, while Leah gets on with plastering butter cream to the outside of what will become the building鈥檚 columns. 

On the other side of the table, Skanska鈥檚 Becki yelps as she nearly slices off the tips of her fingers with the cake leveller. Despite the near-GBH incident, she looks like she鈥檚 having fun. Laughing, she demurs: 鈥淭his is my idea of hell.鈥� Given how much she laughs throughout the afternoon, it clearly isn鈥檛. And that鈥檚 the thing about this challenge. It is fun, and the nervous laughter soon gives way to something else.

A steady resolve. The teams start to get into it. At one point you could almost hear a pin drop in the room, such is the level of concentration. They want their structure to be the best it can be. People are getting focused. Competitive, almost.

Gradually the structures take shape. Sure, it鈥檚 difficult for the uninitiated to see what shape, exactly, but progress is progress, whichever way you look at it. 

Birthday cakes

Cake-making is part creativity, part science, and part of the science bit is making sure the sponge and icing and whatnot are at the correct temperature for reasons which, well, which flew above this writer鈥檚 head somewhat. Nonetheless, part-made structures have to be deposited in the office fridge in order to harden up, so that they don鈥檛 collapse when being assembled. The chilling process can take up to half an hour. That the room鈥檚 aircon can鈥檛 take the temperature below 18掳C is also worrying Em. 鈥淓verything is in danger of melting before it鈥檚 finished,鈥� she warns. Add in the bright sunshine streaming through the windows 鈥� requiring much raising and lowering of blinds 鈥� and all hell could break loose.

An hour and a half in and things are starting to get serious. Skanska鈥檚 Milena has bagged up some Oreo biscuits and is bashing them with a rolling pin. Why? 鈥淭o make earth,鈥� she replies. Of course. Silly question. Meanwhile, Emma pauses her fondant-kneading to enquire how she can get a few more subscriptions to 好色先生TV. Luckily Chlo毛, the magazine鈥檚 deputy editor, is helpfully on hand to sort out her request.

Just then, RLB鈥檚 Ben utters a loud sigh as a piece falls off his team鈥檚 edifice. Then another one. The pressure is definitely mounting. But he sticks at it, literally, and the Louvre starts to take shape, especially when Em shows him and Leah how to make the famous dome from off-cuts, rather than a mound of butter cream, 鈥渨hich definitely wouldn鈥檛 work鈥�, she says. She then shows them how to carve it to the correct shape. 鈥淚 can鈥檛 help getting involved,鈥� she says, ruefully.

Over on the AI team, Jolien is vigorously mixing icing and putting it into piping bags, when Tom lets slip that today is Lucy鈥檚 birthday. Everyone wishes her many happy returns, along with the hope that she won鈥檛 be too sick of the sight of cake by the end of the competition to enjoy her own, should she receive one on her special day. 

Fondant fancies

While it鈥檚 a competition, there is also generosity. Short of white fondant, the RLB team politely ask Skanska if they can nick a bit of theirs. Skanska, having finished with it, gift them the whole lump. Bless. That鈥檚 the Christmas spirit in action. Skanska鈥檚 Emma is now cutting round a profile of a skyline comprised of buildings the firm has worked on in some capacity, which will adorn the base of the team鈥檚 structure. It鈥檚 fiddly work, but with risk comes reward, as they say.

The Louvre鈥檚 dome complete, RLB鈥檚 Ben deftly flicks food colouring over it to give the impression of the structure鈥檚 lattice work. Chlo毛 looks nervous about 好色先生TV鈥檚 boardroom table. The dome then goes on top of the sponge columns, and looking through the structure you can see the mini artworks, which is a nice touch. Over at Skanska, the team reveal their cake鈥檚 adornments; the Lego crane and workmen, two diggers and the aforementioned mini-traffic cones. Becki sets to work grating green fondant, which will become grass for the riverbank. Riverbank?

Em shows AI how to swivel. This involves turning the revolving cake stand while creating a whirly pattern on the surface icing in order to render an intricate finish. A lot of swivelling ensues. It then transpires that AI鈥檚 Lucy isn鈥檛 a complete novice after all. She has a hobby-cum-sideline called 鈥淪elf-Raising Power鈥�, which sees her making and decorating cupcakes for friends, family and anyone else who wants them. Eyebrows are raised, but she insists she鈥檚 鈥渘ot used to cakes鈥�. 

With 15 minutes to go the AI and RLB teams have finished. Everyone stands and watches the Skanska team applying the finishing touches to their creation, which include fluffy clouds in a milky blue 鈥渟ky鈥�, a road that winds its way around the base, and rubble tumbling down the side of a hill 鈥� those Oreos Milena was smashing up, basically. Oh, and the firm鈥檚 corporate strapline, amended to mention the word 鈥渃akes鈥�. They鈥檝e put in a lot of effort. But will it be enough?

Cakes completed, the teams are asked to adjourn to a nearby room while Em decides on a winner. 

Brownies

She admires RLB鈥檚 Louvre Abu Dhabi, especially being able to see inside the building but sadly, despite all Ben and Leah鈥檚 hard work, 鈥渢he final execution let you down鈥�. So despite being the only structure to be based on an actual building, third place it is. Second comes AI, who score big brownie points (sadly not exchangeable for actual brownies) for making their own butter cream, says Em. 鈥淎nd when I saw your design I thought you could have ended up the winner. It鈥檚 a shame your structure couldn鈥檛 have been bigger, with the scale of the end result matching your bold ambition,鈥� she says. 

So that leaves Skanska the victor. Em says the trio鈥檚 teamwork approach has been very impressive. 鈥淧lus I could see that you listened when I offered you advice. And that fondant grass 鈥� not many people would know about doing that.鈥� The Skanska trio, whom Em says have 鈥渨orked brilliantly together鈥� can鈥檛 believe their luck. 鈥淚鈥檓 gobsmacked!鈥� says Becki, echoing the feelings of her colleagues, while Emma is delighted, 鈥渆specially as we were up against architects!鈥�. Milena adds: 鈥淲e stuck with our idea and it was worth it.鈥�

Everyone says what a great time they鈥檝e had, and how they have learned a lot about what at first sight seemed a fairly easy thing to do. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a lot harder than it looks,鈥� says RLB鈥檚 Ben, while Leah states 鈥渇ondant is definitely the way forward鈥�. The AI team are happy with both their building and Em鈥檚 observations, with Tom describing the afternoon as 鈥渂rilliant fun鈥�. Which is exactly what it was.