Think ancient Greece, think heroics: the passion, the struggle, the glory. Now think London pub: designers, QSs and builders slugging it out with 好色先生TV contributors for gold. Inspiring, isn鈥檛 it?
Who needs the Olympics? With the real Games mired in budget disputes and political wranglings, 好色先生TV decided to head down the pub for our own version 鈥� five and a half years early and with a suitably generous drinks budget (rumours that it spiralled wildly out of control after initial estimates are unfounded).
The venue was Doggetts, a 鈥渟portsbar鈥� over the road from 好色先生TV鈥檚 office and one of the most prestigious stadiums in the field of pub sports 鈥� although even the most devoted regulars wouldn鈥檛 boast of its architectural credentials.
Taking part in a Pub Olympics is not for the faint-hearted. Our athletes weren鈥檛 going for gold in such trifling events as sprinting, swimming or judo. Instead we set a demanding test of skill and endurance in the fields of trivia, pool, table football and 鈥� most punishing of all (for competitors and spectators alike) 鈥� karaoke.
In the name of resolving inter-professional rivalries once and for all, we invited teams of designers, quantity surveyors and builders to pit their wits against one another 鈥� and challenged them all to take on the 好色先生TV contributors, a motley crew of legal columnists, architecture critics and photographers.
Our Olympians were competing for bottles of champagne but, as the drinks flowed and the competitive spirit took hold, it was clear that there was much, much more at stake. Read on to find out who took home the gold 鈥�
The opening event is that ultimate test of mental agility: the pub quiz. As befits the Olympics, this event almost certainly dates back to ancient Greece, when poets and philosophers would meet on weekday evenings to test their knowledge of current affairs, sports, history, music and films. At Doggetts, it is an opportunity to find out once and for all which of the construction industry鈥檚 professions really is the cleverest. Few spectators have money riding on the 好色先生TV Contributors.
The quiz provides a tense, almost hushed opening to proceedings. Teammates whisper answers behind cupped hands. Dan Thistlethwaite of the 好色先生TV Contributors is convinced that the other teams are listening to their deliberations: 鈥淜eep your voices down because there are lots of big ears in here,鈥� he hisses urgently.
Over on the Builders鈥� team, things are equally tense. Gerry 鈥淥klahoma鈥� Miller, his poker face inscrutable under the lowered brow of his Stetson, is biding his time. Like a well-honed decathlete, he is saving his energy for his strongest event, the karaoke. 鈥淭he only question is whether he鈥檚 country or western,鈥� explains teammate Nick Athienitis.
The actual business of answering questions is mostly left to Glenn Lester 鈥� the youngest team member by some decades and, it transpires, the possessor of a history A-level. His knowledge of such disparate subjects as the start date of the Second World War and Kofi Annan鈥檚 nationality suggests the Builders will put in a strong showing.
The QSs鈥� team get off to an equally confident, if inaccurate, start. 鈥淲hat was used for blood in the shower scene of Hitchcock鈥檚 Psycho?鈥� asks 好色先生TV. 鈥淢ilk,鈥� whispers Gardiner & Theobald partner Tony Farmiloe with certainty. They write it down.
Unfortunately, the Designers appear to be feeling the strain. Chris Liddle, chairman of HLM, is another 鈥渁thlete鈥� already focusing on the karaoke, but he seems anxious: 鈥淚 was going to bring the guitar, but I wasn鈥檛 sure what the PA system was like. My voice is also a bit gone,鈥� he adds, coughing slightly.
Their quiz performance is not going much better, despite the presence of a ringer in the form of HLM finance director John Clarke. John quickly proves his worth by insisting that Kofi Annan is Egyptian. He is Ghanaian. Steve Johns, of URS Corporation, is equally helpful when asked how many ships there were in the Spanish Armada of 1588. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a trick question,鈥� he triumphantly declares. 鈥淭hat probably wasn鈥檛 the year.鈥� He writes down 鈥渘one鈥�. There were 137.
The Designers鈥� Olympic dream is already hanging in the balance. Chris knows it, we all know it. A lot will hinge on the karaoke 鈥�
Quiz scores (out of 45)
1st 好色先生TV Contributors 34
2nd Builders 32
3rd QSs 30
4th Designers 24
Next up it鈥檚 pool, a game of skill and patience, and essentially a test of who鈥檚 spent the most time in the pub over the past few decades.
Match 1
Builders vs 好色先生TV Contributors
On table one, Alan Williams for the Builders takes on the Contributors鈥� Dan Thistlethwaite. Alan is bedecked in jewellery 鈥� he wears nine gold rings on seven fingers as well as a Mr T-number of chains. 鈥淲e call him Paul Newman. He鈥檚 a real hustler,鈥� says Gerry.
Almost from the start, things look bleak for Dan. Alan has that unerring pool player鈥檚 ability of leaving one ball hanging over the pocket, with almost all his opponent鈥檚 balls clustered forlornly behind it.
Dan鈥檚 predicament isn鈥檛 helped by a noticeable lack of support from his teammates. During the quiz, the Contributors appeared to be a close-knit unit, eagerly agreeing to meet up again in the new year to 鈥済o clubbing鈥�. Now, however, Dominic Helps鈥� attention appears to have drifted.
He and Rudi Klein wander over to the table football table, and the two eminent construction lawyers ponder the thorny question of how to put 拢1 into the machine. After 10 minutes of lively conjecture, they decide it doesn鈥檛 work. Onlookers make a mental note not to put any money on the Contributors to win the table football either.
Meanwhile, Dan is slowly but surely homing in on defeat and finally his teammates realise he needs some support. 鈥淐鈥檓on Phil!鈥� Rudi and Dominic bellow. Dan doesn鈥檛 react, so they bellow it again, louder. As Alan coolly sinks the black, Gus points out that Dan鈥檚 name isn鈥檛 Phil. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 why I lost,鈥� Dan says, dejectedly. 鈥淚 thought you were cheering for the other guy.鈥�
Match 2
QSs vs Designers
Alan may have made light work of Dan, but the other heat, between the QSs鈥� Evangelos Tzazopoulos and the Designers鈥� Roger Matthews is a tenser and slower affair. A lot slower. Indeed, Evangelos is on the verge of breaking English Pool Association rule I.1. 鈥� failing to make a shot within 60 seconds.
He is lucky 好色先生TV鈥檚 referee is in a generous mood.
But Evangelos is not alone in testing the referee鈥檚 resolve. There is little to choose between the two players, until the Designers cunningly demand a time-out, ostensibly so Chris can find his phone. It鈥檚 a dubious tactic 鈥� the momentum had been swaying towards Evangelos, but his concentration has gone and Roger goes on to take the frame.
Final
Builders vs Designers
So, it鈥檚 the smooth technique of Alan against the master tactician Roger in the final. On the other table, Evangelos will try to salvage some pride against Dan.
Poor Dan is soon bearing down on a second defeat. The Contributors are all now gathered round the table, beaming encouragingly at Dan and sharing their opinions on the unfolding game. 鈥淎ngelo鈥檚 still got to consummate the black,鈥� declares Dominic. While spectators ponder what this could mean, Evangelos coolly completes his win.
The final goes more quickly. 鈥淔ast Eddie鈥� Alan lives up to his billing and is soon three balls up. Roger doesn鈥檛 seem unduly worried, explaining mysteriously: 鈥淚t鈥檚 a tactical game I play, rather than a potting game.鈥�
Sadly, Alan鈥檚 potting game seems to be the more effective approach, and the photographer is already asking him to pose for the winner鈥檚 portrait while Roger misses another shot.
As Alan cruises to victory, Chris calls over: 鈥淏eaten by a contractor again, Roger 鈥︹��
Pool scores
1st Builders 40
2nd Designers 25
3rd QSs 10
4th 好色先生TV Contributors 0
Running totals
1st Builders 72
2nd Designers 49
3rd QSs 40
4th 好色先生TV Contributors 34
Match 1
Designers vs 好色先生TV Contributors
Designers:
- Steve Johns, URS Corporation (defence)
- Karen Mosley, director of HLM (attack)
- Gus Alexander (defence)
- Rudi Klein (attack)
Before the game, Rudi and Gus had both claimed they used to be pretty good, and they don鈥檛 disappoint. Gus is the first to score from his defence position. 鈥淗e鈥檚 playing a Beckenbauer game at the back!鈥� screams Dominic, once again demonstrating his skills as a commentator.
When they鈥檙e 4-0 down, a despairing Karen and Steve decide to make a tactical substitution, swapping responsibility for defence and attack. The move pays immediate dividends as Steve pulls it back to 4-1.
Rudi鈥檚 constant sledging gets the Designers riled and for a moment an on-pitch brawl threatens. 鈥淚鈥檓 going to slap you in a minute,鈥� Karen says through gritted teeth but, before she has a chance, karma steps in and Rudi scores an own goal. 鈥淚 got carried away,鈥� he shrugs innocently.
His humility is shortlived. After finally winning 7-2, Rudi gets on the floor and completes four 鈥� count 鈥榚m 鈥� four press-ups.
Match 2
Builders vs QSs
Builders:
- Nick Athienitis (defence)
- Glenn Lester (attack)
- Dave Connolly (defence)
- Tony Farmiloe (attack)
Final
好色先生TV Contributors vs QSs
As is so often the case with the season鈥檚 showcase cup finals, the game starts tentatively. Rudi is getting frustrated:
鈥淪hite!鈥� he exclaims during one prolonged exchange of passes, deflating the tension slightly. However, with Gus looking lively up front, the Contributors soon go 3-0 up.
鈥淲e鈥檙e still tired from our first game,鈥� moans the QSs鈥� Dave, still showing disturbing signs of referring to the small plastic figures as if they were real people. 鈥淪ave, the keeper,鈥� he continues to shout every time he blocks Rudi鈥檚 speculative long shots. 鈥淎nd again!鈥� he roars, as another Rudi effort is blocked on the line.
Gradually the QSs pull it back to 4-4, when 鈥� irony of ironies 鈥� Dave鈥檚 keeper scores an own goal to hand the Contributors the match. Well done, the keeper.
Table football scores
1st 好色先生TV Contributors 40
2nd QSs 25
3rd Builders 10
4th Designers 0
Running totals
1st Builders 82
2nd 好色先生TV Contributors 74
3rd QSs 65
4th Designers 49
You鈥檇 never have predicted it, but there are at least three people in the room who claim the title of 鈥渢he English Tom Jones鈥�. The Contributors鈥� Dominic Helps, who knows he has to put in a truly special performance to take the Pub Olympic title away from the Builders, has already put out the word that he is going to do Delilah.
Rather than settle for one of Jones鈥� lesser works, Gleeds managing partner John Murray bravely chooses to tackle Ronan Keating鈥檚 When You Say Nothing At All.
As the intro kicks in, he looks every bit the professional crooner, raising a suggestive eyebrow and holding the pose before beginning in Sinatra-like tones: 鈥淚t鈥檚 amazing how you can speak right to my heart 鈥︹��
It is, indeed, a heart-felt performance. John taps his foot and smiles a twinkly grin, closing his eyes as he sings the soppiest lyrics. The Designers stand in the middle of the room, swaying and adding some delicate harmonies to the chorus.
Clearly emboldened, John decides to serenade female members of 好色先生TV鈥檚 judging panel 鈥� but it doesn鈥檛 do him any good. When they hold up their score cards, he gets just 26 points out of a possible 40.
Next to take the stage is the Designers鈥� Chris Liddle, who鈥檚 got his own band. Back at their table, Roger Matthews鈥� spirits are high. 鈥淭his round is going to sort us out,鈥� he says.
Chris isn鈥檛 so sure. He explains he was going to sing Sultans of Swing by Dire Straits but has decided to go for some Wilson Pickett because of his cold. It is perhaps the first time in music history that anyone has implied Wilson Pickett is an inferior singer to Mark Knopfler. Chris tests the three microphones provided with the karaoke machine, pulls on his shades against the harsh November twilight and grunts, 鈥淎lriigghht.鈥�
Within seconds the audience is clapping along to his hip-shaking version of In The Midnight Hour. Chris鈥� teammates, proud of their man baring his soul for architects everywhere, provide moral and vocal support by echoing 鈥渕idnight hour鈥� during each chorus. The judges are resoundingly impressed and award unanimous nines 鈥� clearly a tough act to follow.
But this holds no fears for Gerry 鈥淥klahoma鈥� Miller. After deliberating for most of the afternoon over what to sing, he goes for Dean Martin鈥檚 classic: Little Ole Wine Drinker Me. It soon becomes clear that the cowboy hat and checked shirt are not a costume 鈥� he means it. His performance includes much gyrating, swaying and a strange squatting manoeuvre that is sure to catch on in clubland. And even though most of the audience don鈥檛 know the song, by this point they鈥檝e all had enough to drink to cheer and whoop along. He narrowly beats Chris鈥� score 鈥� 好色先生TV鈥檚 judges are quite partial to a bit of country and western, and they award him two nines and two tens: 38 out of 40.
Finally, it鈥檚 time for Dominic鈥檚 much-anticipated homage to Tom Jones. Looking wild-eyed and dishevelled, he prowls the stage, bellowing the verse as Rudi, Gus and Dan try manfully to provide backing vocals. As Dominic hurls himself into the chorus, his face goes a dangerous shade of purple and his hair flops into his eyes. It鈥檚 a show-stopping, jaw-dropping performance and it鈥檚 easy to believe him as he staggers through the closing line: 鈥淚 just couldn鈥檛 take any more鈥�. The judges recognise true karaoke greatness when it screams in their faces and award him a near-perfect 39 points.
But it鈥檚 not enough. When the scores are added up, the Builders have pipped the Contributors by seven points, stealing the champagne from under their noses.
With the winning team reeling from their success, the other competitors put a brave face on defeat with a cold pint or three. Not everyone is relaxing though. Chris (who appears to have forgotten he had a cold), Gerry and Steve from URS return to the stage where they proceed to hog the karaoke machine for a good hour with a genre-busting repertoire. It鈥檚 all 好色先生TV can do to wrestle the microphones out of their hands when the hire company comes to take it away.
Karaoke scores
1st 好色先生TV Contributors 39
2nd Builders 38
3rd Designers 36
4th QSs 26
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