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Whenever you walk into a room of architects, prepare for a fancy dress party. Some men will be sporting suits with the lapels cut off, others will have 20 cuff buttons. You might see funny glasses, ethnic hats or eighties student kit. Women, who are generally more into fashion than business uniforms, look less like clowns, but even so you will find the occasional bag lady and some scary make up. And you might be surprised to see, looking out from these curious costumes, the familiar faces of comfortable, well-off businesspeople.

It鈥檚 a rather charming scene but behind it there鈥檚 a serious message 鈥� architects are telling you that they鈥檙e a tribe apart.

It鈥檚 like the doctor鈥檚 white coat and stethoscope or the barrister鈥檚 wig and gown. But unlike doctors and barristers, architects go home in their stuff.

The wacky get-up is to tell everyone that architects are interesting, creative types, and certainly not people who could be described as run-of-the-mill. It鈥檚 not just a way of saying: 鈥淚 don鈥檛 look like the boring businessmen who pay me or the poor uncultured sods that live in my creations.鈥� Rather, it鈥檚 a declaration that they do not want to be anything like them.

There鈥檚 a special phrase for modern design 鈥� it鈥檚 called being 鈥榰napologetic鈥� 鈥� clearly in anticipation that someone鈥檚 going to ask you to apologise

If you鈥檙e an architect, you鈥檝e joined an exclusive club. And, like all exclusive clubs, it鈥檚 worked out its own ways to keep out the riff-raff.

Odd clothes are just part of the members鈥� kit. There鈥檚 also a special way of talking: windows are 鈥済lazing鈥�, gaps are 鈥渧oids鈥� and groups of buildings are 鈥渃lusters鈥�. If that doesn鈥檛 work, the way these special people live is a major clue. This can be tricky: because architects are usually fairly well off, they can afford to buy the kind of high-status old houses that they don鈥檛 think other people should copy. But if you can get inside, it鈥檚 all pretty clear 鈥� all the old stuff is ripped out and replaced with bare boards and very expensive, very uncomfortable chairs designed by members of the club from the thirties. A dead giveaway.

Once you鈥檝e joined the design professionals鈥� club, solidarity with other members is vital. Success isn鈥檛 the usual sort of thing, like making money or being happy; it鈥檚 what other club members think of you. You know you鈥檝e really made it when you get one of the prizes that are dished out by members to other members for being the best at sticking to the rules.

And if anyone has a go at a fellow initiate, members rally round to defend them. Defence groups 鈥� called 鈥渁rchitects鈥� panels鈥� 鈥� have been set up to make sure the uninitiated don鈥檛 have the brass neck to tell club members what to do.

You may have to do things for the masses, but it鈥檚 not your job to give them what they like 鈥� it鈥檚 their job to learn to like what you think they ought to like

Of course, the reason you need to keep out the riff-raff is because you鈥檙e not interested in the riff-raff. You may have to do things for the masses, but it鈥檚 not your job to give them what they like 鈥� it鈥檚 their job to learn to like what you think they ought to like. There鈥檚 even a special phrase for this 鈥� it鈥檚 called 鈥渞aising the bar鈥� and doing it is called being 鈥渦napologetic鈥� 鈥� clearly in anticipation that someone鈥檚 going to ask you to apologise.

In fact, the declared mission of the club is to make everyone else want the same things as club members. Everyone talks about the great day when the rest of the world is going to come round to their way of looking at things. Delegations are sent out to persuade people in power to take up the mission and become associate members. This way, lots of people out there will get the 鈥渞ight鈥� things even when they don鈥檛 want them and this will force them to see the error of their ways. If all else fails, when they鈥檝e had this stuff around for long enough they鈥檒l just get used to the idea and go along with it.

Nobody seems to have spotted the problem with all this. One of the best things about being a member of a club is that you鈥檙e special and being special means that you鈥檙e different. If everyone thinks and behaves like you, you鈥檙e not different any more. The most important thing about being a member of an elite is to believe that you鈥檙e top dog and to do that you can鈥檛 be mistaken for the mindless herd out there. If ordinary people really became members of this club they鈥檒l have to change the rules to keep them out.