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I鈥檓 supposed to smile at one of them, but after 15 minutes my anxiety is sharpening into panic: I鈥檝e smiled at eight, and although none has offered me sweets and a ride in their car, my luck can鈥檛 hold much longer. My only defence is the suitcase I鈥檓 leaning on, which I need to take with me to Manchester in two hours鈥� time. I imagine I look like Paddington Bear.

The reason for my mad smiling lies in an earlier phone call from Michael. 鈥淓verybody鈥檚 panicking. Stay there. I鈥檓 an old man in a beige raincoat. I鈥檓 literally two minutes away.鈥� For a surveyor, his delay estimate could have been more accurate. Eventually I鈥檓 rescued by Alex who leads me into the pub, where the Stace team have been drinking for some time.

Before I can start pint buying, Michael and his raincoat charge in, demanding they make up for their lateness by buying all the drinks. He鈥檚 younger than most men in beige overcoats, I say. 鈥淲ell, Brian and I are quite old,鈥� he replies. 鈥淚鈥檓 very old,鈥� Brian says sadly.

Michael and his raincoat charge in and demand they make up for their lateness by buying all the drinks. He鈥檚 younger than most men in beige overcoats

But age doesn鈥檛 prevent him from having a social circle Elton John would be proud of. He is a QS to the stars: 鈥淚鈥檓 working for the families of the Beatles 鈥� Stella and Mary McCartney, Lee Starkey 鈥� Today I鈥檝e been with Michel Roux. So what about parties? 鈥淚 had a good time at the Planet Hollywood opening. There were two page three girls and me at the bar 鈥︹�� 鈥淪top name dropping!鈥� shouts Michael. 鈥淭hat was 20 years ago!鈥�

Actually, there鈥檚 something closer to Brian鈥檚 heart than page three lovelies. 鈥淚鈥檝e got the biggest muckheap Harlow Town has ever seen!鈥� he says. 鈥淵ou go on the train, on the right you鈥檒l see my muckheap. It鈥檚 five times as big as this pub!鈥� For the record, I should point out it was produced by Brian鈥檚 horses. It is also home to a lot of snakes 鈥�

鈥淚t鈥檚 all going wrong,鈥� says Michael, his head in his hands. Then out it comes: the anecdote the others have been dreading. It involves an adder and an elderly neighbour with a shovel. 鈥淚ts head was sticking out! She chopped it off!鈥�

鈥業t鈥檚 all going wrong,鈥� says Michael, his head in his hands. Then out it comes: the anecdote the others have been dreading鈥�

While Brian is calmed down, conversation turns to other bizarre pastimes. Alex is the founder member of the Aldershot Town FC fan club, and drives a minibus (yes, they have enough spectators to justify it) around the country. He once drove for seven hours to a match that was called off, passed out drunk and 鈥渨oke up with chips on my face鈥�. He could learn some lessons from Ceri, who is beating him at fantasy football despite taking no interest in the sport. You 鈥渁pply common sense鈥� she says.

Alex鈥檚 tale reminds me that I am about to miss my train. And I don鈥檛 want to wake up anywhere with chips on my face, so I step out and fight my way through the sea of beige raincoats to a cab 鈥�