好色先生TV

Hey, Sven baby!

All the stars came out to play last Wednesday for the Wembley stadium topping out ceremony 鈥� Tony Blair, David Beckham, Sven-Goran Eriksson 鈥� Mike Jeffries. Yes, Atkins鈥� chairman Jeffries was mixing it with the A list crowd like a Big Brother winner in Stringfellows. And, not to be left out, Multiplex chief executive Noel Henderson got to fulfil all his Mark Lawrenson fantasies by being interviewed by Ray Stubbs. Just a shame that the people that actually built it, Cleveland Bridge, weren鈥檛 invited 鈥�

Sir Clive talks balls

Last Friday was a busy day for Sir Clive Woodward, erstwhile coach of the England rugby team. Having resigned the previous evening, he gave a fiery press conference at Twickenham, then dashed into central London to speak at the Customer First Awards lunch for housebuilders. The timing added a certain spice to the occasion, but the housebuilders got no more news out of the 眉ber-coach than the sports hacks. 鈥淎ll I can say is that the ball will be round,鈥� he said.

Residents riled

It鈥檚 a sad day when you can鈥檛 even rely on a middle-class residents鈥� association meeting to be conducted with an air of professionalism. A strong turnout of 40 locals pitched up for this week鈥檚 meeting of the Bankside Residents鈥� Forum to see the latest plans for their corner of Southwark, only to be left disappointed by developer Land Securities鈥� presentation skills. Instead of a giant screen conjuring up CAD images of the future, the audience was treated to a bloke pointing to a plan drawn on a piece of A3. 鈥淚 couldn鈥檛 make head or tail of it,鈥� said one insider. The developer鈥檚 excuse? They were only expecting 15 people.

Ganning crackers

It would appear that Toontown鈥檚 daily tabloid The Newcastle Journal is a little off the pace when it comes to the fast moving world of construction. The paper informed its readers on 1 September that John Laing, the company building the Sage Gateshead music centre had 鈥渞eshaped itself after offloading Laing Homes and its troubled construction arm in 2002鈥�. For the benefit of our north-eastern readers, the music centre is actually being built by John Laing鈥檚 鈥渢roubled construction arm鈥�, now known as Laing O鈥橰ourke. Still, I鈥檓 quite sure 好色先生TV would struggle to cope with a request to hoy a hamma hower heeya, hinny.

King of comedy

Survivors of last year鈥檚 Little Britain sailing bash in Cowes will recall that the Saturday night act ended up on the wrong side of a brutally effective slow hand clap. No wonder they鈥檝e pulled out all the stops for this year鈥檚 鈥済ala night鈥�, with 鈥渘ot once, not twice, but three-times winner of Opportunity Knocks鈥� Tom O鈥機onnor providing the laffs. Anyone still in need of entertainment after that can boogie on down to something called the Las Vegas All Stars, before retiring outside for the customary heave into the Solent.

Theatre of the absurd

I understand that the 拢20m refurb of the Hackney Empire, the theatre where Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel cut their comedy teeth, is to have a much higher fly-tower than was previously the case. Far from being a caprice on the part of Tim Ronalds Architects, the thinking behind this is steeped in the theatre鈥檚 history.

It seems that, once in the distant past, the impact of a production of Hamlet was lessened when the curtain could only be lifted high enough to reveal, high on Elsinore鈥檚 ramparts, the feet of Hamlet鈥檚 father鈥檚 ghost.

Gherkin gawping
I see the public will be able to visit London's erotic gherkin for the first time on 18 September as part of the London Open House weekend. Some of the capital's construction sites will also be opened up to allow the public to nose around. So if the steel erectors from Cleveland Bridge want to see how the work on Wembley has progressed in their absence, now's their chance. If you fancy a good snoop too, log on www.londonopenhouse.org (although don't expect anything useful, such as a list of what's "open" - for that you'll have to part with 拢3.75 for a 64-page guide).