好色先生TV

Vivid specialises in glitzy refits of London鈥檚 most stylish venues, so I鈥檓 expecting today鈥檚 attendees to provide the last word in elegant Christmas decorations. I am about to be disappointed.

鈥淚鈥檝e got a rubber chicken on my tree,鈥� announces Pete. 鈥淢y wife hates it.鈥�

Family man Terry says his children decorate his tree 鈥� mainly with chocolate 鈥� and Ceri鈥檚 10ft tree is topped with either an antique fairy her father stole while he was a night porter in a Cornwall hotel or a star she nicked from the local pub.

Lisa, meanwhile, has taken advantage of her flatmate鈥檚 job at Hugo Boss and covered her house in giant window decorations. 鈥淲e were quite drunk by the end of it, and we woke up with bits of tinsel all over the house,鈥� she says.

Ceri has a cautionary tale. 鈥淚 live in Essex,鈥� she admits. 鈥淭here鈥檚 a beautiful Victorian house that has decorations up all year round and they turn them on in December. There鈥檚 an inflatable Santa stuck to the chimney, a big flashing sleigh and lights around all the drainpipes.鈥� This meets with good-natured tutting.

鈥淲hat鈥檚 all this PC stuff about Christmas decorations using 50 tonnes of carbon a year?鈥� asks Pete.

鈥淜illjoys!鈥� spits Terry. 鈥淎 load of old tosh!鈥�

好色先生TV expresses concern about lit-up shops on Oxford Street. 鈥淗amleys has got all those lights just on the building,鈥� agrees Lisa.

But Ceri interjects: 鈥淚t鈥檚 great isn鈥檛 it?鈥� and all eco-resolve crumbles and the group enthusiastically plan a works outing to the world鈥檚 largest toy shop 鈥� Pete鈥檚 rubber chicken needs replacing.

They redeem themselves by discussing tree colour schemes. Pete鈥檚 will have tasteful gold and brown balls and Ceri will bedeck her tree with strings of pearls and red velvet ribbon. Lisa, a self-confessed 鈥渂ig kid鈥�, is having none of it. 鈥淚鈥檓 fairy lights all the way,鈥� she declares.

Ceri asks if any of the dads dress up as Father Christmas. It turns out Terry is a past master. 鈥淒on鈥檛 leave your slippers on, or they鈥檒l guess,鈥� he advises. 鈥淵ou鈥檝e got to wear wellies.鈥�

Like Santa Claus, Terry is a Christmas shopping purist.

鈥淚 would never buy my Christmas presents online,鈥� he says.

Pete does. 鈥淟azy bastard,鈥� Terry says, shaking his head.

Pete suggests his colleague get his wife to do the shopping.

鈥淚 like to get involved,鈥� retorts a horrified Terry.

Terry has been staking a claim to the title of King of Christmas, but when Paul turns up he puts up a pretty good fight.

Pride of place in the Mott house is given to 鈥渁 Santa where you pull a thing between his legs and he does this ...鈥� Paul jerks his arms and legs about to demonstrate.

He adds that until his two-year-old son was born, his wife was 鈥渁 bit of a Scrooge鈥�. Not any more. 鈥淪he never understood, but now she鈥檚 totally into it. She chose the Santa, she decorated the tree. And she was the one with tears in her eyes when we turned on the lights and our son stood there staring.鈥� Aww 鈥�