好色先生TV

鈥淚t鈥檚 a mix between polo and lacrosse 鈥� polocrosse.鈥�

It鈥檚 Tuesday evening in anelegant West End bar and Tom is describing his favourite sport.

鈥淎 guy in New Zealand wants to sell me a horse, so he鈥檚 paying for me to go there and play,鈥� he says.

His colleagues won鈥檛 be joining him in the Jilly Cooper set. Laura prefers netball, though it doesn鈥檛 seem to like her much. 鈥淚 only started recently and I鈥檝e already sprained my ankle,鈥� she frowns. She plans to run a marathon in April. 鈥淏ut I鈥檓 not a fitness freak,鈥� she assures us.

Julian brings up the true sport of kings 鈥� pool 鈥� recalling that 好色先生TV once beat Gleeds in a pool tournament. 鈥淲e demand a rematch,鈥� he shouts.

鈥淪o what鈥檚 your favourite drink?鈥� asks Tom, swiftly changing the subject. Laura favours a cosmopolitan.

鈥淵ou watch too much Sex and the City,鈥� says Tom, who鈥檚 a mojito fan. 鈥淚t鈥檚 healthy,鈥� he insists. 鈥淏ut only if you drink enough of it.鈥�

鈥淰odka martini, straight up, with a twist,鈥� Spencer declares. 鈥漁r a classic champagne cocktail.鈥�

鈥淐hampagne makes me go nuts,鈥� grins Tom.

After all the booze, it鈥檚 a good idea to eat, or at least talk about food. Favourites range from foie gras to more traditional fare: 鈥淲hen I came back from the US, I went straight to Little Chef for sausage and chips,鈥� says Julian.

鈥淵ou get great steak in Scotland,鈥� offers Laura. 鈥淏ut it鈥檚 hard getting them to cook it rare.鈥�

鈥淚 have a fascination with bread,鈥� says Tom, his eyes gleaming.

鈥淪ounds kinky 鈥︹�� retorts Julian.

The topic is dropped. Next comes travel. Tom wants to live in Australia 鈥渂ecause of the women鈥�.

鈥淲hy are Australians so miserable?鈥� ponders Julian. 鈥淚f you go to some areas of Africa, you appreciate how lucky you are.鈥�

The evening rolls on. 鈥淲ho鈥檚 your favourite Bond?鈥� asks Julian. Sean Connery is the general favourite but Laura admits that, despite her Scottish roots, she quite likes Daniel Craig.

鈥淗e鈥檚 a beautiful man,鈥� says Tom.

鈥淚 once saw four Star Trek movies in a row,鈥� chips in Spencer, apropos of nothing.

Time drifts along. We discuss royalty: 鈥淐amilla was attractive when she was young鈥�, and corruption: 鈥淒odgy things happen in construction鈥�, before Spencer reveals that he worked in Iraq in the 1990s. The group sits mesmerised, listening to tales of 鈥渂uilding fountains鈥� for Saddam.

鈥淪ome ex-pats we knew disappeared for months at a time.鈥� he says. 鈥淭hey said they were detained for 鈥榖ringing the president into disrepute鈥�.鈥�

A solemn silence descends. We notice the bar is empty and that waiters are eyeing their watches, so we pay and leave 鈥�