好色先生TV

Actually, I鈥檓 not sure about the exact nomenclature, but it鈥檚 obvious what I want. The barman merely stares.

Oh God. It鈥檒l all be fine if I can just get him to start pouring liquids and shaking things. If Suzanne has another of those purple arrangements she鈥檒l forget that I mocked her brachydactylic thumbs. It鈥檚 clear that I鈥檓 not orange enough for these problems. It is also clear I鈥檝e put a thief in my mouth to steal my brains. In which case he鈥檚 out of luck.

Was it really only seven hours ago that I鈥檇 arrived in Bristol for a civilized chat about contemporary issues with the staff of Provelio, the up-and-coming project manager? Piecing together the events of the evening, with the help of my increasingly cryptic notes, it鈥檚 clear there were ominous signs right from the start. During the first warm exchange of greetings, Paul is introduced as 鈥淪cumbag鈥� and Amy as 鈥淭osspiece鈥�. These people are bright orange, but in different ways. Amy is posh (Suzanne accuses her of having attended Clifton College, and Paul claims her father pays the company 拢10k a year to take her off his hands) whereas Paul sometimes wears a T-shirt saying 鈥渢hem鈥檚 me daps, mind鈥� (this is Bristolian for 鈥渄on鈥檛 step on my shoes鈥�).

Why orange? Because they are yellow and red. Provelio colour-codes staff and clients alike (see the scan of Paul鈥檚 sketch, for what these colours mean).

鈥淵ou鈥檙e entitled to a bit of fun if you work as hard we do,鈥� says Rob. Also the odd cheeky little weekend away skiing to celebrate Mark鈥檚 40th, which is what the men are doing tomorrow. Also the occasional dad鈥檚 weekend away camping with the kids, of which they have enough to form a small tribe. Why can鈥檛 the girls come too? Mark: 鈥淚t took me about a year to get the wife to agree to a boy鈥檚 weekend.鈥� Suzanne: 鈥淲e asked if we could bring our own dads.鈥� Amy: 鈥淥h yeah, but we weren鈥檛 allowed to come. No girls allowed. We cried.鈥� Suzanne and Amy (together): 鈥淲e did.鈥� Suzanne: 鈥淚 think you鈥檝e got to be pretty thick-skinned to work here.鈥� Amy: 鈥淚 cry myself to sleep 鈥� he called me tosspiece.鈥�

This is clearly an established double act, and the directors make only token attempts to interrupt, until Suzanne invites them back with: 鈥淩ob鈥檚 building up a little harem. Sometimes it鈥檚 just you and the girls hanging out.鈥� Rob: 鈥淚 discuss the offside rule when you鈥檙e talking about getting into your jeggings.鈥� Amy: 鈥淭he first time I heard 鈥榡eggings鈥� I actually wet myself a bit.鈥�

That remark begins a conversation about Bristol dialect words, one or two of which deserve wider currency. Such as 鈥渟crage鈥� (somewhere between a scratch and a graze), 鈥渘aus鈥� (a boring fellow) and 鈥減itching鈥� (snowfall that is lying rather than melting). This carries on until the men set off to wax their alpenstocks and the rest of us move on to a wine bar by the Wills Memorial 好色先生TV, where I eventually place the drinks order mentioned above. Whatever happened after that has been lost to history; all I can say is that I woke up the next morning feeling intensely introverted and people-focused.