好色先生TV

Ben: 鈥淚 have some stories but they鈥檙e all along the lines of Helsinki tales. And there鈥檚 no way that鈥檚 coming out. Seriously, I swear to God don鈥檛 even print the word 鈥� we鈥檙e all human. We all cut things close to the bone.鈥�

The women (as one): 鈥淲hat happened in Helsinki?鈥� Ben looks at the table. Bethany points out that you can鈥檛 bring up a subject you won鈥檛 talk about. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 bring it up,鈥� says Ben. 鈥淵ou did,鈥� says Bethany, accurately. Ben: 鈥淥h yeah, maybe. It was the lack of light. No, the lack of darkness 鈥� the lack of clarity. I never knew how much I needed darkness.鈥�

More about the capital of Finland later; it has been a long road to reach it. Subjects on the way have included the despising of Belgians, Bethany鈥檚 resemblance to Father Dougal (as if), the books of Paul Virilio, a strange smell of burning, and shoes.

It was the lack of light. No, the lack of darkness 鈥� the lack of clarity. I needed darkness

We have learned that on average a woman owns 19 pairs of shoes, but that Helen has 40, that her boyfriend always pulls when he wears pink flowery shorts and that Tim M used to own satanic boots, with an inverted cross and spikes.

These discoveries have led to further revelations: principally, Tim M鈥檚 view that Metallica鈥檚 Anaesthesia Pulling Teeth contains the best bass line ever, that he once got into a Brazilian ju-jitsu bout with a chap who turned out to be Guy Ritchie and that his iPod was killed.

Sample dialogue from Tim M: 鈥淭he death of my my iPod 鈥� I鈥檓 so sad, still. I came out of the office, saw a bus coming, sprinted to the bus stop, and my iPod came out of my jacket pocket. I actually did a slow-motion dive and it bounced in front of me, then landed in the road 鈥� it was still illuminated when the bus came 鈥� when the second tyre went over it, it exploded 鈥� I scraped it up and took it to the Apple Store. I thought they could save the memory chip but the man said, 鈥楽orry mate you鈥檝e broke the seal鈥�.鈥�

Tim reveals that Anaesthesia Pulling Teeth by Metallica has the best bass line ever

Incidentally, as he said these words, the source of the burning smell is revealed to be my bag. I have dropped a cigarette on it and after smouldering for 30 minutes, it has burst into flames. Luckily, I have the presence of mind to throw Ben鈥檚 pint over it.

Anyway, back to Helsinki. Bethany: 鈥淭hey went for four days and I鈥檝e seen the receipts 鈥︹�� Tim M: 鈥淚t was the Living Steel competition.鈥� Tim B: 鈥淚t was just a mental few days .. the sun never slept; it鈥檚 two in the morning and you think it鈥檚 seven at night, so it鈥檚 鈥榳here should we go now?鈥欌�� Tim M: 鈥淲e had five hours鈥� sleep in four days. We had dinner sitting next to Glen Murcutt in a three-star restaurant on an island in the archipelago and that was the least thing that happened.鈥�

Ben: 鈥淭here鈥檚 a street called Erotic 鈥� Strasse, I don鈥檛 know what happens there 鈥︹�� Tim M: 鈥淲ell nothing 鈥� that weekend has much darker tales. I actually don鈥檛 remember much but there are traces in the expenses 鈥︹��

At this point Bethany picks up my recorder to admire it and inadvertently presses the stop button. I don鈥檛 remember what happened after that, but I do recall thinking on the way home that Helsinki sounded like a nice place for a short break.