for Stepp Design

Set on one of the nicer back alleyways of King鈥檚 Cross 鈥� if that isn鈥檛 a contradiction in terms 鈥� the pub is like a cross between a railway station and a stable. 好色先生TV waits for 15 minutes before David approaches.

鈥淲e weren鈥檛 sure it was you,鈥� he says.

鈥淚t was the notepad that gave it away,鈥� deadpans Scott.

We settle in with four pints of a local ale. Its name is Doom Bar.

I hope that isn鈥檛 portentous, because this isn鈥檛 the urban designer鈥檚 regular haunt. 鈥淲e have another pub just 3m from our front door,鈥� announces David.

Why didn鈥檛 we go there?

鈥淚t鈥檚 not very nice,鈥� says Scott. 鈥淲e didn鈥檛 want your readers to think we drank there鈥�

Scott is from America and he鈥檚 come up with a solution to overcrowding in British prisons. Apparently New York state has 8,000 spare cells. 鈥淲hy don鈥檛 we send them over there?鈥� he asks.

鈥淓xporting convicts. Didn鈥檛 we do that once before?鈥� says Rob, with all the postcolonial sensitivity he can muster. Thankfully, the Australian bar staff are out of earshot.

David spots that I鈥檝e changed drinks. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e going to have to change the title to 鈥樅蒙壬鶷V buys a pint 鈥� then decides he doesn鈥檛 like it and buys a lager鈥�,鈥� he crows.

I don鈥檛 want to tell him it鈥檚 actually a shandy 鈥� 好色先生TV is playing football later on.

Talk turns to how the government wants prisons to be funded by shareholders. Scott is shocked. 鈥淚 can鈥檛 believe that. You guys privatise everything!鈥�

It wasn鈥檛 ever thus. Rob recalls a golden age of the public sector when the pubs in Carlisle were run by the state.

鈥淭he government needed a way to keep the munitions workers in Carlisle under control, so they ran all the pubs,鈥� he explains. 鈥淭hen Margaret Thatcher sold them off in the 1980s.鈥�

Scott seems to detect a note of wistfulness in Rob鈥檚 voice.

鈥淎re you saying we should go back to that?鈥� he asks.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 know,鈥� shrugs Rob. 鈥淢aybe they should try it in Peckham.鈥�

They鈥檙e certainly not unfamiliar with munitions down south London way.

Rob reckons the Americans have got it right on that score:

鈥淎t least people realise there that the right to defend yourself is really the only human right that鈥檚 worth bothering about,鈥� he rumbles. I think he鈥檚 being sarcastic.

鈥淪o,鈥� concludes David, 鈥渨e鈥檝e decided to send our prisoners abroad, we鈥檙e going to nationalise the pubs and increase the aim and accuracy of our young gun crime offenders.鈥�

鈥淚 think we鈥檝e solved a lot of problems here tonight,鈥� says Scott. I blame the Doom Bar.

David Chapman, director
Scott Adams, director
Rob Cowan, consultant
Dan Stewart, 好色先生TV magazine

Chosen watering hole: Smithy鈥檚 Wine Bar, King鈥檚 Cross, London 
Ambience: Rural meets industrial chic 
Topics: Sending convicts to the colonies, the good old days of government-run pubs and kids with guns 
Drinks bought: Six-and-a-half pints of Doom Bar ale and two Kronenbourg shandies

Topics