Haven鈥檛 you got the easiest job in the world, working one day a year?
I wish. An operation like mine needs a lot of planning. Those people building the Millennium Dome don鈥檛 know how lucky they are. They only have to handle that kind of pressure once. I get it every year 鈥� Santa can hardly miss his deadline.
So, what鈥檚 your typical day like?
Most days, I like to get to the grotto early, before the elves arrive. It鈥檚 a lot quieter. First, I read the trade paper 鈥� it鈥檚 important to keep up with the latest developments, the market鈥檚 volatile and I have been caught out before. Last Christmas, I ended up with a storeroom full of Teletubbies when all the kids wanted Furbys.
I sort the post next. It鈥檚 a big job, especially at this time of year. The letters get divided into 鈥渘aughty鈥� and 鈥渘ice鈥� and the elves start ordering the toys. They don鈥檛 make any these days 鈥� there isn鈥檛 a market for wooden building blocks outside Islington 鈥� and traipsing round the shops was getting annoying, so we鈥檝e started shopping on-line. It has helped a lot. I sometimes wish I could just get e-Toys or whoever to take over the whole operation 鈥� they鈥檝e got the resources.
Of course, the reindeer have to be fed every day. It鈥檚 not a pretty job. My PR will kill me for saying this but they aren鈥檛 quite the lovable harbingers of Christmas cheer you see on the cards. They鈥檙e stubborn 鈥� and they spit.
Even Rudolph?
He鈥檚 the worst. I鈥檝e managed to get him off the drink now, most of the time, but he鈥檚 quite the prima donna.
What鈥檚 the last thing you do before you head out on Christmas Eve?
Check the brakes on the sleigh and make sure the reindeer aren鈥檛 sulking. I鈥檓 basically at their mercy all night so we have to get along.
And what do you do after Christmas?
The elves and I go on holiday 鈥� it鈥檚 our end-of-year bonus. This year, we鈥檙e thinking of going to Vegas to play the tables.
What鈥檚 the best thing about the job?
I suppose I ought to say spreading goodwill throughout the world. After all, there鈥檚 just me and Sir John Egan who get to do that. I like being my own boss but the only perks are the sherry and mince pies. I like looking at the houses, too. It gives me plenty of interior design ideas.
And the worst?
On the big night, pitched roofs 鈥� they鈥檙e death traps. The rest of the year, it has to be the reindeer. Never work with children or animals, they say. Obviously, I wasn鈥檛 paying attention. The uniform isn鈥檛 great, either. I wear it all year and it looks a little foolish in the supermarket in August. Also, the suit doesn鈥檛 go down well with women 鈥� it doesn鈥檛 exactly say 鈥渄istinguished older man鈥�.
How do you relax?
Apart from the holiday in January, I鈥檓 a bit of a homebody. I get quite enough of the outdoor
life zipping through the snow, so most of the time I鈥檇 rather stay indoors with a brandy and
a warm fire.
If you weren鈥檛 doing this job, what would you be?
I鈥檇 quite like to be a plumber. I鈥檇 probably earn more over Christmas too.
